Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Something About What Happens When We Talk

Dear Diary,

Just as we were getting ready to leave after shift this morning, Sullivan and Maya called us to the beanery. Maya informed us that we all had to do mandatory "critical incident stress debriefing." Basically, we have to talk to a shrink before we're allowed to leave. We moved into the gym before B-shift killed Jack, and waited for the therapist to arrive. Finally she got there and introduced herself, tried to make a joke, and then got real serious with us. Her name is Diane, and she said that she used to be a firefighter, one that jumped out of helicopters to fight wildfires. Pretty bad ass, not gonna lie.

We all went in one by one, and the rest of us just hung around the station while we waited. I knew I should take advantage of the time to study, but I was so tired I couldn't focus. I gave up and went to find Andy. We sat up on the walkway overlooking the barn, just looking out at everything happening on the street in front of the station and watching B-Shift come and go from calls. At one point I almost fell asleep on her shoulder, but knew that if I actually fell asleep, I wouldn't want to wake up. To keep ourselves awake, we talked about random TV shows, facetimed with Giuls for a solid half hour, and lamented the fact that we were still stuck at the station.

One by one, everyone went in to talk. Andy and I were the last ones (well except for Maya), and then she got called in too. When it was finally my turn to go in to talk to Diane, I was a little hesitant. I've seen therapists before, and I definitely believe in the benefits of therapy, but I didn't feel like talking to someone today. Especially someone I'll only ever see once. But I went in anyway cause Maya said I had to.

"We're here to talk about Vasquez right?" Mattie asked as she sat down.

"We can talk about whatever you want." Diane responded.

"I don't really have much to say..." Mattie admitted. Sure she was sad but it wasn't anything she needed to talk through.

"Well you brought up Vasquez, so let's start there," Diane suggested.

"Okay... It sucks that he died. Especially since he was getting better. And of course I'm sad about that cause he was part of our team, but we weren't close or anything. And I know that sounds bitchy but I'm just saying it's nothing I can't handle" Mattie said.

Diane, clearly reading through the lines, asked "so have you lost someone close to you?"

Mattie laughed. "Yeah. You could say that."

"Why don't you tell me about that?" Diane asked.

"Okay. Well... I've lost a bunch of friends over the years. First I guess was George, who had enlisted in the military to be a trauma surgeon, was going to tell his mom, saved a woman crossing the street on his way and got hit by a bus."

Diane nodded as she listened, "that sounds like a tragic accident. How old were you when that happened?"

"Umm. What? 14 at that point I think." Mattie answered. "And around the same time one of my other friends almost died. She had cancer with only a 5% chance of survival or something like that. She survived, but then she disappeared. Then there was a shooting the next year. A bunch of people I knew died in that, we weren't super close but I saw them almost daily and 2 of them I actually knew decently well. Then I thought I was going to lose one of my best friends in a car accident but she miraculously pulled through. Next was Henry, he had a chronic tumor condition that eventually killed him. Then there was the plane crash that killed Mark and Lexie. Then was.... I think Heather; she was electrocuted. Then it was Derek. He was in a terrible car accident after saving an entire family alone, on the side of the road, with basically no supplies. That one was tough. And then a few months ago Ryan was shot by a 3 year old and died. That was one of the worst. We grew up together, he was like a brother to me. And I was in the room as my friends at the hospital tried to save him and watched him flatline. Then my friend Alex left with no notice. He had been a close friend for 10 years and I found out he was never coming back in a letter. But he didn't die, he just moved to Kansas and cut off all ties with Seattle. And then it was Vasquez."

"Wow..." Diane said slowly as she took in everything Mattie had just said. "So you're no stranger to loss."

"No," Mattie shook her head. "I'm definitely not. Oh and you'll probably want to know that my dad died when I was 8 too."

"Yeah I'd say that's significant." Diane said. "I'm sure that hasn't made the other losses any easier."

Mattie disagreed, "I don't know, I think it probably did help sometimes. Nothing feels as bad as losing your own dad. Especially when he died trying to get home for you. But it's definitely not going to help when...." Mattie trailed off not wanting to talk about it anymore.

Unfortunately Diane wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily. "When what?"

"When Captain Herrera dies" Mattie said quietly.

"You've been through a lot. Lost a lot of people in the last decade. Why will this one be different? Because he was your captain?" Diane asked.

"Because he was the closest thing I had to a dad after mine died," Mattie said.

Diane looked at her waiting for her to elaborate.

Mattie continued, "my mom and I moved to Seattle a few months after my dad died. We lived down the street from the Herreras, so I grew up with Andy and was over at their house all the time. Pruitt's always been so great to me, treated me like one of his own. He always did that for Ryan too. He's a really great guy, and father, and surrogate father. And now he has terminal cancer and only months to live and I am so not ready to exist in a world without him."

"So if Pruitt was like a father to you, do you think of Andy like a sister?" Diane asked.

"Yeah," Mattie said. "She's like a sister to me. We grew up together, we work together, we even lived together for a while."

"Oh wow, so you two are close. You said 'lived' together. Why don't you live together anymore?" Diane responded.

Mattie wasn't sure why that mattered, but answered anyway. "She moved out when Maya got promoted. The three of us lived together. But anyway Maya's promotion made things really really hard between them."

"That couldn't have been easy for you." Diane commented.

"No," Mattie admitted. "It wasn't. But it's gotten a lot better lately. Between them and for me with both of them. Especially Maya."

"What made things better?" Diane asked, continuing to ask Mattie question after question.

"Maya started to calm down a little as captain, get better at the job. Andy let go of her anger a little bit over time. And I had the realization that my friendship with Maya was more important than anything that happened on the job."

Diane thought for a moment, "How did you realize that?"

"We had a tough day. And Maya took it particularly hard, felt like she was alone, and I knew I had to be there for her. And I realized we needed each other as friends, so we couldn't let work get in the way of that."

Diane nodded, but was quiet for a moment.

"So you grew up, surrounded by tragedy, and spent most of your life taking care of the people around you. Most of whom were significantly older than you. Is that a fair statement?" She asked.

Mattie nodded.

"So," Diane continued, "You spent your childhood taking care of adults when they probably should have been taking care of you. So how did you learn to take care of yourself?"

I realized, for the first time, that while I know how to take care of those around me, I guess I never was good at taking care of myself. I mean I eat healthy, work out, have healthy relationships, but Diane pointed out that I never slow down, never stop. She said that if I don't, I can't check in with myself to see what I need. She suggested I spend more time thinking about what I need, than thinking about what my friends need. I don't know how much I can or really want to do that, but I guess I'll keep it in mind.

Maya had to check in with Diane before leaving, so I waited at the reception desk for her so we could go home together. On our way home I mentioned what Diane told me, and she said that Diane told her something similar. She said Maya needed to take time for herself, to let go of 'eyes forward' for a little while. We both kind of laughed it off, but I think we both wanted to follow her suggestions, we just didn't know how. Maybe we can learn together... at least, I hope we can.

-Mattie