Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Sound of Your Memory

Dear Diary,

I was still asleep when Maya got home this morning. But of course that didn't stop her from coming into my room and plopping down on the foot of my bed. I jolted awake as she sat down but she was already talking by the time I fully gained consciousness.

"Do you?" Mattie heard Maya ask.

Confused and clearly missing something Mattie responded "Do I what?" Then laughed and added, "If you actually want an answer you have to wait until I wake up to ask the question."

Maya sighed and repeated her question. "Do you think I'm broken?"

Mattie sat up and took in the weight of the question. "Maya..." she sighed.

Sliding back to sit next to Mattie, Maya moved a pillow onto her lap and hugged it, leaning back against the headboard.

"Jack said I was broken. And then I slept with him cause I was mad at Carina and overwhelmed and I don't even know what. But maybe he was right." Maya said, her voice starting to break. "Maybe I am."

Mattie took a breath and leaned back. "You're not broken." She paused to look over at her friend before continuing. "You've definitely got some stuff to work out, but you're not broken."

"I really hurt her," Maya stated.

Mattie sighed, "I know."

"I never meant to hurt her. Well, I guess in the moment I did. But I wish.." she sighed shaking her head, "I didn't really want to hurt her," Maya said, tearing up.

Mattie leaned over, latched onto Maya's arm, and rested her head on her shoulder. "I know."

Maya and I talked about everything for a little bit and then sat in silence together for a while longer. Even though I know she's in the wrong, and I'm pissed that she hurt Carina, I still care about her and it's important that she knows that. Eventually she got up and headed to her own room to get some sleep and I got myself ready and headed to the hospital.

I had clinicals this morning and spent the rest of the day at Grey Sloan checking up on Richard. He had some sort of, I don't even know what to call it, at a conference and no one can figure out what's going on yet. It seemed like he was drunk, or having a stroke, or some sort of psychotic break while giving his presentation and Maggie had to rush him off the stage and get him to the hospital. They brought him back to Seattle today and everyone is working around the clock to figure out what's causing his strange array of symptoms.

As soon as clinicals ended, I headed up to Richard's room to check in. He seemed more with it, but didn't remember anything that happened at the conference. Even still, he seemed happy to see me. A few minutes after I got there, Andrew came to visit with Richard too. He also seemed to be in a better place than I'd seen him recently and I was relieved. We all chatted for a while before I left to meet Carina for coffee.

I mentioned that I saw Andrew and she immediately asked how he seemed. She's been trying to reach out and check up on him, but he's still been shutting her out. I told her that he seemed pretty level; he looked like himself in a way I hadn't seen in a while. She breathed a sigh of relief and we talked about how much we hope he's really getting the treatment he needs. And then I remembered it was time to take my own meds haha.

Carina and I chatted about random things for a while. She told me about some cool cases she's had. I told her about an awesome article I read and promised I'd bring her the journal the next time I saw her. We discussed a brazilian tv show that Carina is obsessed with. And finally I asked how she was doing after everything with Maya.

Carina sighed, shook her head, and shrugged.

"Guess there isn't a whole lot to say about it, huh?" Mattie asked.

"I don't know," Carina said. "I'm just so angry with her."

Mattie nodded. She definitely understood that.

"And I don't think I did anything really wrong. All I tried to do was support her and help her through all of this," Carina continued.

"You absolutely did not do anything wrong," Mattie assured her.

Carina went on, saying "and what's worse is that she told me what she did. Just to hurt me. And I... I don't even know what to think about that."

She paused a moment, thinking, then said "so I guess to answer your question, I'm sad and I miss her but I'm so angry with her and it's just a flood of both at the same time."

"Is there anything you need? Or anything I can do?" Mattie asked.

Carina shook her head, "not really. But thanks for letting me rant about it."

"Any time," Mattie said with half a smile.

I know there's nothing I can do to make this situation any better, but I still feel like I just want to fix it for them; make them both feel okay again. Speaking of wanting to do something, I spent the evening looking for old journals for Andy. I found a few and put them in my purse before leaving to meet her for dinner. Just as I pulled into the parking lot, she texted me, saying she had to cancel. I don't know if it's just the grief or what, but she has not been herself lately and it's starting to worry me.

Anyway, I was really looking forward to getting pasta from the italian restaurant we had picked out so I texted Maya a picture of the menu and ordered us take out instead. We chilled on the couch, ate our pasta, and watched a movie. I asked if she had talked to her mom at all since the spaghetti dinner and she immediately shut down. She told me she hadn't spoken to her and I could feel the anger starting to seep through her pores. I assured her I wouldn't ask any more about it, I just thought I'd check in and see. She still seemed annoyed, so I started pulling up buzzfeed quizzes and sending them to her. She pretended to be irritated that I was texting her when I was sitting 3 feet away, but she laughed and reluctantly found out what breed of dog she was based on the way she designed a bathroom (it said she was an Akita).

I went to bed shortly after, and was still thinking about our conversation that morning. The more I thought about Maya's question earlier, about being broken, the more I started to understand why she did what she did. First of all, she's definitely in denial (she still thinks Carina is wrong about her dad), but she's also so stubborn that she won't let herself consider other viewpoints on this. Plus, she's brash and does and says things without thinking. And I think another piece of it is "eye's forward." She's so busy looking straight ahead at what's coming, what's next, that she forgets to look around and see the other people involved. That's not to say she's cold or heartless, she always recognizes others later and can be super supportive when she's not focused on a goal or idea, but she's not always great about taking others into account when she gets in that headspace. I just hope she's not too stubborn to let this interfere with her relationships (with Carina, me, everyone) forever.

-Mattie