Roommates & Soulmates

Ch192: Clary's Resolve

Upon hearing about Simon and Izzy's engagement, Clary couldn't help but be happy for them, even if she didn't want to admit to being envious of that happiness. She was glad Simon had found someone worthy of him, someone who loved him way better than she ever could. Clary could almost see the glow of excitement coming off Izzy the next time she saw her. Clary tried to remind herself she was happy for her friends and not dwell on all she'd lost.

Even so it was still hard. Clary worked with bubbly bridezilla Isabelle, and she lived with soulmate Malec. Sometimes it was all a bit too much. She felt like she was bringing everyone else down, and had to keep up the air of energy and contentment while they were around. These days Clary craved solitude more than she ever had before. When she was alone she could let go of her fake happy smiles and just be, but with people she always felt like she had to keep up appearances so she didn't make them feel bad for her.

Clary wanted her friends to be happy! She just didn't have enough happiness inside her right now to be happy with them. Somehow that felt like letting them down as friends, and Clary didn't like that feeling so she'd gotten into the habit of taking her laptop to the library or a coffee shop rather than going right back to the apartment after work. Sometimes when she had a bit more energy than usual she made plans after work with Izzy. Mostly those plans involved some kind of shopping trip where Izzy bought many things, and Clary tagged along to offer an opinion. Clary liked her job at Alicante Attire with Isabelle even if it was part time, and didn't pay over minimum wage. Staying with Magnus and Alec had cut her living cost way down which was how she'd been able to save up for Celine's plane tickets. Overall, the job was good enough for now. Clary had a lot of other things in her life to sort out before she worried about finding a career style job. The main one of those being Jace.

No matter how she tried to keep her thoughts Jace-free, Clary kept going over and over her last conversation with Jace in her mind. It had been the first time they'd really talked about the big stuff they'd been too scared to talk about before. Clary could remember only too well the terror in her heart when Jace had first asked her the question: do you want kids?

A part of her had thought he'd dump her right there on the spot when she gave her answer because what woman doesn't want kids? Women were supposed to want kids, right? And she was the freak who wanted an empty uterus all her life. When she was younger Clary had always been told she'd change her mind, like there was something wrong with her decision. So far the only thing 'wrong' with Clary's decision had been losing the love of her life.

She missed Jace, like a constant ache in her chest. Living in the same town, but emotionally apart from him had her pining for him in a way 3,726 miles hadn't. There had been so many distractions in Paris, so much to keep her head from really listening to her heart, but now that she was finally taking the time to pay attention to her own feelings, Clary knew with perfect clarity what she wanted; she wanted Jace.

Clary had never been any good at showing affection. She could still remember the conversion she and Jace had had at Malec's wedding before she'd left for Paris. The one where Jace made it plainly clear he believed he couldn't offer her enough. She'd tried to offer him freedom while she was gone, but he'd clung to her like a crazy man. Then Jace had gone on to explain why he always underestimated himself, claiming his life had started with her, but Clary knew better. She could see the soul behind those golden eyes. Back then Jace had claimed he had more to lose than she did.

Clary almost chuckled. It was quite ironic how very wrong he'd been. Their time apart had done just the opposite. It had taught Jace he was indeed more than he knew while showing Clary she was nothing without him.

Maybe it was time to stop being bad at showing affection. She'd friendzoned her first boyfriend even while trying to be in a relationship with him. Then she'd hurt Jace, the one she loved most. Clary was done. It was time for her to learn from her mistakes. It was time for her to be brave.