Roommates & Soulmates

Ch33: Simon's Loss

Simon Lewis wasn't a fool. He knew Clary was avoiding him. After all, he hadn't seen her since the morning she'd shown him her new jacket. Simon was also not a fool in that he knew the jacket Clary insisted on wearing was not a woman's jacket. He'd played dumb though, since it was just another sign of what he already knew. Despite how long they'd been together and how hard he'd tried, Clary still did not love him the way he loved her and Simon now knew in his heart that she never would.

It had been a drawn out realization, sneaking up on him slowly day by day, week by week. She always smiled at him when they met but it didn't reach her eyes. She never rejected his kiss, but there was a feeling of obligation in her caresses. She would rest her head on his shoulder and accept the arm he placed around her, but there was always something missing.

Simon thought back to the day he'd told her how he felt about her. It had been the end of their eleventh year of high school and Simon, who'd known he loved her almost since the day he'd met her, had finally gotten up the courage to tell her. He'd never forget the look on her face. There had been wonder there, surprise and Clary had obviously been flattered, but nowhere on her face had there been romantic affection. He'd told himself that deeper feelings would develop. He told himself it was new and that he couldn't expect her to return his feelings overnight. But those excuses had only worked for so long. The truth of the matter was that she loved him as a friend then and she loved him as a friend now, even after calling him her boyfriend for over a year and a half. Simon had held out hope the whole time that Clary might learn to love him, or at the very least learn to care romantically about him. He'd wished for it countless times and even consulted a fortune eight ball once or twice, but of course, that couldn't change anything. Every time he saw the way Magnus and Alec looked at each other it cemented Simon's decision. You couldn't live on fantasy forever. Even as her boyfriend, he had been friend-zoned and he'd die an old and lonely man if he stayed in the friend zone forever.

He had no idea where or how to begin trying to get over Clary, but breaking up with her was a good start. Simon wasn't sure if he'd ever truly get over Clary, but he knew it would be impossible if she still called him her boyfriend. Not that them dating seemed to mean he got to spend time with her or anything. January was almost over and Simon had seen her approximately half a dozen times since classes had started up again. The simple fact that he could count the times told him there had been far too few of them.

As Simon approached Clary's dorm room a million words ran through his head. What would he say? Was there any way he could phrase this that wouldn't hurt her? He knew he wouldn't want to see her afterward, but he also knew she would still want to be his friend and not in the shallow 'let's just be friends' way that most exes used when they parted company. No, Clary would want to be his real friend. It was as a friend that Clary loved him and Simon was trying to think of something to say. Even the clichés weren't helpful since, 'it's not you it's me' really didn't apply. If she'd just learned to love him! But it seems no matter how much you love someone, that love being returned is not a guarantee.

Simon turned down the hall, toward Clary's dorm and then looked through the open doorway and suddenly all thoughts and concern of Clary being upset vanished from his mind.

Jace and Clary stood a foot apart with their eyes locked on each other. The affection on both their faces was enough to make Simon want to punch Jace in the gut and throw him down some stairs. Who cares if that guy had helped him! Jace needed to die painfully by a thousand spider bites, because Clary was looking at Jace the way Simon had wished, for so long, that Clary would look at him. They were just gazing at each other, not even touching, but somehow their intense eye contact felt more intimate to Simon than any moment he'd ever shared with Clary over the last year and a half.