Attachment Theory - Bucky BarnesxOC

Part 30: i am drifting without an anchor

18+ WARNING MINORS DNI

Bruce pours over Bucky's journal in the middle of the night. He sips a glass of whiskey as he reads.

The contents of Bucky's journal are as scattered as his memories. Some entries cut off mid sentence or just end with the words "I don't remember anything else." It's heartbreaking. Bruce wonders if he'll ever be able to fill in the gaps.

As a whole, the journal ranges from funny anecdotes (Bucky has a dry sense of humor that Bruce finds endearing) and stories he remembers about his childhood with Steve to some fragments of old relationships and descriptions of old girlfriends. A lot of them sound like Alice - strong-willed, kind, caring, and very pretty judging by his descriptions of them.

But then there's the bad stuff - and the bad stuff is really fucking bad.

Some of the pages contain the most horrific things Bruce has ever read.

Bucky's ability to go into graphic detail about the torture that Hydra inflicted upon him makes Bruce feel queasy, to the point where he can feel the vomit creeping up his throat. The sexual abuse is the worst part. Bruce has to take breaks as he pours over those pages. He paces around his office, contemplating closing the book and going to sleep, but he has to finish reading this by their next session. Bucky's imagery is so powerful that he feels like he's in those cells with him. His heart pounds as he turns the pages, wondering what fresh horrors await him as he keeps reading.

Bucky writes about Hydra's launch of a new branch of the Winter Soldier program. They were trying to breed super soldiers. They tried to force Bucky to be a part of it, but he resisted, killing three guards and two scientists in an attempt to escape.

I couldn't and wouldn't do that to another person, he wrote. I couldn't let them take away the last shred of my humanity. I killed anyone who came into my cell to drag me into that program.

According to Bucky, the other Winter Soldiers weren't so lucky. They weren't strong enough to resist the guards, who overwhelmed them, strapped them down, and forced them to participate in what Bucky only referred to as "something I wish I could forget."

He wrote down graphic details, but later scratched them out. Bruce can't make out the words beneath the massive clouds of ink on the page. He's choosing to forget. In this case, it might be a good thing.

The new branch of the Winter Soldier program was a spectacular failure, Bucky recounts. No offspring were ever produced, and the women Hydra had captured were executed and dumped in a shallow grave. They never tried again.

Bruce puts his head in his hands.

"Christ," he sighs through tears. "Poor bastard."

He breathes deeply. He's no good to anyone if he's a mess like this, but Bruce feels like he's in over his head. Bucky needs a therapist - a real therapist. Bruce knows he won't trust anyone else and it's futile to attempt to try and make him when he's only just starting to get comfortable.

Bruce decides to write as he reads, to distract himself from how disgusted he feels delving into Bucky's nightmares.

DIAGNOSES: Bucky displays clear patterns of severe Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is evident from my two sessions with him that he has difficulty controlling his emotions - they overwhelm him to the point of tears, making it difficult to proceed with treatment.

He needs patience and time, and I'm willing to grant him both.

I haven't seen any outbursts of rage yet, but I'm sure they'll come with time and more attempts at digging deeper into his memories. I'm not a therapist, and I'm afraid of what we're going to uncover.