Attachment Theory - Bucky BarnesxOC

Part 36: revelations

18+ WARNING MINORS DNI

"What was your relationship with Steve like? What do you remember?" Sam asks as they sit around the coffee table in the lounge.

Bucky has had four sessions total with Sam, and he's actually beginning to look forward to it when he wakes up in the morning. It's nice to have someplace quiet to go where he can just talk, or not. Sam is fine either way. Sometimes they talk about his past, other times, they just talk about anything and everything. Bucky usually has a lot of questions about modern life and Sam is all too happy to provide him with the answers he needs and explain the things that don't make much sense.

Sam, like Alice, listens to him. There's no judgement, no suspicion, no malice in his tone. He's just kind, and Bucky has told him some pretty personal, horrendous things that he's done. Sam simply nods with a sense of compassion and empathy that Bucky has only seen from Alice before. He appreciates it, even if it feels horrible in the moment. For Bucky, opening up his past feels like opening up a box filled with the most horrific things imaginable.

"Bits and pieces," Bucky replies. "I know there's a logical connection between us. I know we were friends, but it doesn't feel that way."

"What do you mean? Is there some kind of animosity I don't know about?"

"No," Bucky whispers as he colors in a tree in the coloring book. "More like, we're just strangers. I can tell that he wants me to remember everything the way that he does. It's not that I'm not trying, it's just that this stuff takes a while. There's a lot to dig through."

"I get it," Sam replies with a chuckle. "If you ever need me to tell him to lay off, just let me know."

Bucky shakes his head.

"It's okay. He's been pretty good about it. I'd just like to have my past back. I want to remember so much, and it's frustrating to have it coming back in these small fragments." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I was never very good at puzzles, and this feels like the most difficult puzzle I've ever done."

Sam casts him an empathetic look. Bucky knows that he's trying to put himself in his shoes, but he's pretty sure his circumstances are unique, mainly, to him. It's difficult for people to truly know and understand the pain of what he's going through. Still, he appreciates that he's not being cast aside and given up on. Sam nods and they color in silence for a few minutes.

"What about building a future?" He asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, after all of this is over, have you thought about what you want to do?"

Bucky shrugs.

"I'd like to live somewhere with Alice."

"Where?"

"Someplace quiet, like a farm or something. We can raise dogs, chickens, goats, and be happy. We talked about Romania."

Sam smiles.

"That sounds nice."

Bucky begins to feel himself turning red.

"I'd like to have a family, too," he whispers.

He's never entertained the possibility before, but with Alice, he can actually see a future. He could use that money he has to take care of her for the rest of her life. She could have everything she's ever wanted. He could keep her safe, keep her happy. They could have kids - if she wanted them. He hopes she would, but self-doubt always creeps in. Who would want children with someone like him? Someone who has done the things he's done? Does he even deserve to pass down his genes at this point? Bucky is still finding it hard to reconcile that fact. Still, he hopes that Alice sees a future with him too, in whatever capacity they're able to have one.