Attachment Theory - Bucky BarnesxOC

Part 50: where we are

A/N: The Russian words are all the trigger words so there are no translations for them. I figured it was self-explanatory.

Bucky's final test is heavily inspired by the scene from TFATWS and dialogue has been changed, characters have been added, the only thing that hasn't changed is the Russian code words.

It's been two weeks since the implant, and Bucky has never felt better. He's also never looked better, but he credits being newly engaged and in the most peaceful and beautiful place on earth for that.

He's helping out on the farm, letting the kids climb all over him like a human jungle gym, and he hasn't had a nightmare about the Soldier since he woke up on the operating table. He hasn't gotten his arm back yet. They're still waiting a few more days for his final test to be administered by the Dora Milaje, but he's been working hard. Bucky wants to get better, he wants to have a normal life - whatever that looks like for him.

The downside to the implant, and the therapies that Shuri and the doctors are beginning to put him through are that his memories from the past 70 years are returning. Not all at once, but enough to be overwhelming. He gets flashes of them at random moments, when Alice says something funny or innocuous. It feels like he's slipping his hands into mud and pulling out random objects, some of them are pleasant, and others... haunting. The problem with being a brainwashed assassin for 70 years is that he has to dig through a lot of horror. Shuri has been helping him. She gives him books to read, lets him talk through his memories with her and the doctors. Bucky finds that he has a tremendous support system here. As much as he loves Steve and is grateful for his help, a lot of these memories are things Steve, Sam, and Bruce could never handle.

There's one memory that's been plaguing him every night for the last two weeks. It was the first to come back.

Maria and Howard Stark. It plays in his mind on a loop every morning when he wakes up. The motorcycle chase, the crash, the way Howard - his idol growing up - looked at him and asked, "Sergeant Barnes?"

Howard recognized him. A man he thought was dead. A man he knew decades earlier, who fought alongside his protege.

The Soldier knew, and not even he, in all of his cruelty and malice, could look Howard and Maria in the eyes and kill them. Bucky remembers that his heart beat was steady and quiet while he squeezed the life out of Maria. He took the serum and completed the mission. His reward was going back on ice.

He has to tell Tony, or Tony will find out some other way.

Steve will find out.

Everyone will find out, and he'll be ostracized. Despite defeating the Soldier, Bucky is the one who has to carry the guilt. It was his body that did it, his finger that pulled the trigger, his hand around Maria's throat. He'll never be able to escape that shame. Bucky doesn't know if he'll ever be able to atone for it either. How do you repair that kind of loss?

As he and Alice sit outside their house eating breakfast and drinking tea, he can't stop thinking about it. She looks over at him and he feels her small fingers poke him in the ribs. Bucky forces a chuckle and she smiles at him.

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" She asks.

"Nothing."

"Not nothing," Alice replies. "You're a terrible liar, Buck."

He hums softly.

"I've been thinking about something, and I'm afraid to say it out loud."

She takes a sip of her tea and sets it down in the grass. They've taken to waking up early and watching the sunrise together while they eat. It's been amazing. Alice brings out a big fuzzy blanket and wraps it around the two of them as they wake up and get ready for the day. They watch Alpine play by the lake, dipping her little paws into it and then shaking the water off like it's something offensive.