Deep In The Meadow

Chapter 13

I was able to get outside of Thirteen, into the fresh air. No one came with me, it was nice to be alone. I wandered through the woods. What would Katniss do? Would she be hunting? I never once saw her hunt. Was it fun? Then I remember that she wasn't alone. She had Gale. They had been such good friends, for a while I had actually thought that they might have been a thing.
Then that night on the roof....
I hate myself for that, I hate myself for getting mad at her in the first place. It's my fault she's dead, maybe if I hadn't gotten mad at her....
She wanted to escape, to leave, why did I deny her of that? Why was I so selfish? The image of her pale, lifeless body flashes before my eyes. Her surrounded in a pool of her own blood. Her grey eyes closed, I can only imagine the life draining out of them right before they closed. What had I done? I fell to the forest floor, my hands clutching my head.
"Can you forgive me? Can you ever forgive me?" I whisper. I can't forgive myself. I know I can't get her back, and a war certainly won't bring her back. Killing even more people out of my anger and guilt.
"I loved you. I'm so sorry..." my voice was cut off by my tears filling my mouth.
That's when I broke. I started screaming and swearing and smashing sticks against trees, scaring the animals. I kept doing this until I was worn out. My breathing was heavy and loud and I slumped against a tree. I closed my eyes, maybe I'll take a nap and I just won't wake up.
"Feel better?"
I open my eyes to see River standing with her arms crossed. "It's really sad you know," she walked over to me. "Seeing you like this. You aren't the kind, good hearted Peeta anymore, are you? I miss that Peeta, the people miss that Peeta. After Katniss died it's like you died too. It's kind of depressing."
"Well I have every right to be that way. If you haven't noticed all my friends are dead." I spat. She kneels down to meet my eyes. She shakes her head, her hair now cropped messily above her shoulders. "I know it's hard, but you have to get over her. It's not fair to her or you." I sigh. She's right. I have to let go, I'm just not sure if I can ever forgive myself. I know this rebellion is the right thing to do, the only thing to do. It's not for myself, or the people, but for Katniss. Even if she were still alive, she started it all, and she didn't mean any of it to happen. She didn't want this, but it's the right thing.
"Okay," I sigh. I get to my feet and she joins me. "I guess it's time to go back." she nods in agreement and we start heading back to Thirteen. In the distance I hear mockingjays sing.
They were something that wasn't suppose to exist, a mutt that the Capital created. Katniss was like that. She was crafted from the Capitals deeds and wasn't suppose to exist, she had a meaning in this world.
And I intend to carry on that meaning.