Free Book Reviews - 2023

9 • The Promotion

Title:The Promotion

Author: @_xxAMxx

Genre: New Adult/Romance

Story Type: novel

Chapters read: 8

Title: What more is there to say? Good connection between the cover and the title. I can see what's coming. I see it.

Cover: The couple on the front tells us what type of book this is going to be. Personal assistant/secretary falls in love with the boss. You don't even need to look at the title to get those vibes.

Normally I'd say you should go for something a little less generic, but the neat font and blatant background might just be the leading marketing point of your story.

Blurb: All we need to know is present. Main problem, question, goal, etc. 

But... What makes it different? I can foresee the biggest events that will take place: Louisa (the MC) falls in love with her boss, and she and Callum break up. That much is obvious.

Of course, there will be exciting, unexpected plot twists to come. But I'm scouring the blurb for the twist on the idea. It's been written before, many times. What makes your version of this idea different?

First Impression: I don't prefer relationship-based stories in general, as they tend to be painfully cliché. In my experience, the writer forgets every other element of storytelling and focuses just on the relationship—which is a big no-no.

I hope this will turn out to be a good, interesting story. I can't quite tell yet.

•••

Inciting Incident: Louisa meets this mysterious guy in a bar, accepts a drink he buys her, and within a minute-span, tells him her most pressing problems—one of which includes her uncertainty about going for a promotion because she won't be able to have time for her boyfriend.

Hmm.

Unless it's a minor character we encounter for a brief moment, all the characters introduced from act one, the very beginning, are most likely going to be main characters. It's pretty obvious this guy is going to be the Alexander Pierce, so I'm guessing you weren't going for a plot twist there.

Also, what is it with telling your deep secrets to a mysterious strangers who seem nice? I've seen this one too many times, and I don't like it.

General plot: Apparently, Louisa (the protagonist) has dedicated her life to working overtime to support her and her boyfriend, Calum. At the beginning of the story, Calum is setting out to get a job.

The next chapter, five years later, he is still jobless, yet again going for a job interview. Louisa runs into the interviewee and discovers Calum never showed up.

Guess what? He doesn't have a reason. This could mean two things. 1) His character hasn't been developed enough, he doesn't have any goal or motivation, or, 2) The real reason is to come later. But how much later, though? Another five years?

Anyway, Louisa is angry, and surprised.

I have a problem. Even if it's solely for blind love, there are few people who will stick around an unproductive, lazy and self-centered person that long. It's certainly possible, but what I'm missing is the development that should have taken place during these five years.

Put yourself in Louisa's shoes. You definitely would have realized sooner there is something strange about Calum's joblessness. I mean, didn't they ever talk about how his interviews went? What did he do then, lie?

Writing Technique: I see a passion behind the words to keep them following, but I also see a lack of deeper knowledge. I suggest you do some research on the more technical aspects of writing. Asides that, I do like your frankness, friend. No skirting around the truth.

Main Character: Louisa. I admire her *cough* patience. I suppose this will be her most outstanding quality in her promotion to come.

However, I think her personality should do with a bit more fleshing out, especially from the beginning. There is an emotional connection, so that's good.

But I need a deeper explanation why she's stayed this meaningless relationship so long. One that goes deeper than "those little moments of affection".

However, if this is somehow connected to her past, I will gladly accept her ignorance.

Other characters: Calum. Right from the beginning, there is no emotional connection, no reason we readers should care for him.

That makes for an unlikable character.

He is meant to antagonize the protagonist—I get that. That's his role. But as they say, antagonists should have a just as developed character and personality, which Calum seriously lacks.

I suggest you get his motivation and goal straight and clear from the beginning. Show us the reason why he refuses to get a job. Or, if that is to be revealed later, simply give us a reason to pity, or feel for him. 

Grammar: There is definitely room for improvement. Missing punctuation here and there, some run-on sentences, far too many exclamation marks. I'm led to believe this is the first draft. If that is the case, then please go back with an editing guide in hand, and read over everything. Aloud. Scrap, adjust, and rewrite. And... No need for exclamation marks. Or did I say that already.

What to improve:
- Flesh out Louisa's personality. Show us how her past has affected her present.

- Give us a legit reason to feel for for Calum.

- Go over some grammar rules.

- Read your story aloud and fix any inconsistencies (and keep an editing guide at hand.)

Final Impression: Writer-to-writer, I can truthfully say in a span of eight chapters, I wasn't...surprised. I pay close attention to the plot whenever I read a story; I look for a pattern. Some are simple, and some are more complex. And this pattern is easy to figure out. (Basically saying a big ole plot twist at the beginning would be nice, to keep readers hooked).

However, I didn't anticipate there to be that sort of conflict with Calum and his peculiar disappearances. I'm sure despite the rather slow start, there is more conflict and interesting situations to come.

Thanks for submitting your book for a review, and I really hope I was able to help in one way or the other with my rather opinionated opinions!

(Calum still needs a good talking-to.)