Book: Empire: Playing Dice
Username: Eelphen
Genre: fanstasy
Story Type: novel
Chapters read: 2
•••
Title
I wonder if separating the title from the colon is a good idea, especially if there is no sequel or prequel. I strongly think it will be more memorable if you craft a title without a colon. Something like "A Game of Dice" sticks better. Any opinions?
Cover
The image is passable, but not the color of the title. I assume you selected the color from the lady's skirt to bring it all together, but it blends the background too much. The title must stand out and be readable, so I'd suggest white with a drop shadow for this case. You might want to expiriment with different images to link back to the theme.
Blurb
On the whole, nice. There is conflict, so that's good. It starts with a line of important dialogue that's going to play a key role in the plot. But while you've kept the blurb nice and short, there are too many extra words. To each noun and adjective, and to each verb and adverb, which isn't necessary. Try to balance it out.
However, after stating the goal clearly ("They must skillfully navigate..."), I would love to see a hook question instead of a statement. Will they be able to escape the dice game...alive? Something like this. Readers will then read the book to find the answer.
•••
Beginning
We start on the right foot. Nice scene staging, although some more information on the setting incorporated into the action would be nice. The introduction of Arlo is a good one. You show us his flaws, strengths, and personality by describing his situation. Great opportunity for emotional connection early on. Small details, like him indirectly inflicting discomfort on others with the rigid chairs, does a lot for his personality. Good job!
You've put in some notable research to give us a believable version of the past and how the imperial system works. This truly makes the reading journey more enjoyable.
After the scene break in the first chapter, we switch to Laa's POV. That's okay, considering you separated the scenes. But the chapter itself is titled Arlo, owing to his POV. One POV per chapter is more clear for readers, might you consider changing it?
Plot
Everything shapes up nicely. The setting or events haven't evolved much in the first two chapters, but for a story with so much world building, we need some calm for the exposition. Well done! There is a lot of room for subplots, plot twists, and conflict. I do hope you make good use of the preparation we see in the beginning.
Characters
Arlo: Seeing him from Laa's perspective sheds some outsider light on how he is, whiles we get a personal scoop on what he truly thinks and feels. In the second chapter, you intertwine his physical appearance with action, and the story itself. And at the end, one of his greatest qualities is revealed: confidence.
Laa: There is a nice blend going on. There is a backstory, false beliefs, and flaws. We can automatically look forward to that one redeeming quality that will keep her afloat; what she knows how to do best. Or, her character arc might be one of growth. Then we'd have to keep up with her ignorance until she learns better, a nice contrast to Arlo.
Writing Technique
I like it. Unlike most stories that take place in the old times, the use of the language is natural and not forced at all. It feels like a stable voice that you can maintain up till the end of the story. No overabundance of big words, but well-composed descriptions.
Extra tips + advice
- The chapters are quite long. The minimum should be about 1500 words, while 2000 and above is too much. How about you split some longer chapters in half?
- The chapter titles: Numbers are perfectly okay, but you're missing out on some intrigue which could be if you used an interesting word or phrase. If you ran with that idea, the POVs could be added at the beginning of each chapter/scene instead.
- Break up long paragraphs to give a break for the eyes
- Use less passive voice.
Final Impression
Again, I'm pleasantly surprised. Here is where "don't judge a book by it's cover" applies (seriously, the cover needs some upgrading!)
For the record, I wouldn'y believe for a moment this is your first book. Maybe the first one you've published on Wattpad, but your writing tells of plenty experience. Don't hesitate to ask any further questions, and good luck with your writing journey :)
YOU ARE READING
Free Book Reviews - 2023
Random✅ [OPEN] • • • I spend a lot of time reading on Wattpad. The well-written, polished books. I wouldn't touch a book with a barge pole if there's a celebrity on the cover. Nor will I continue reading a story that has typos in the first sentence. HOWE...
