Book: Life Within The Halls
Author: reindolfwrites
Genre: mystery
Story Type: novel
Chapters read: 2 chapters + prologue
• • •
Title
Quite genius really. This gives a dark vibe and suggests something along the lines of mystery and horror. There's a nice ring to it.
Cover
The cover isn't speaking to me. The background is rather simple. Considering this is about a prestigious school, you might want to choose something more extravagant.
The blue and orange text is too light and not clear. If the background had some color, then stark white and a curly font would do well.
• • •
Exposition (introduction)
The first sentence is a perfect way to start a story. In the prologue, the POV changes to first person. "Join me as..." I assume you are writing with a narrator's voice.
In the first chapter, Gideon wakes up after having a nightmare. Apparently, he's keeping a dark secret which the reader can assume is linked to the nightmare. But the day continues without much conflict. We are introduced to a bunch of characters in the beginning, their personalities differing just about enough for us to remember them. But then we wind up in the cafeteria with even more characters, a bit of an overkill for the first chapter.
Also...can a music box play Central Cee? Why not his phone? And dancing on tables is really pushing it!
The second chapter, is eventful, to say the least. The split POVs are very confusing, however, as well as the overload of names. To prove my point, let's list each name I've come across over the span of the prologue and two chapters, to prove my point:
Pearl, Gideon, David, Mr. Edward, Principal Wilson, Sandra, Henry, Daniel, Reggie, Grace, Bright, Ella, Victoria Hill, Ella, Esther Mills, the anonymous killer, Samuel, Stephen, Mr. Bruce, Mr. White
This is TOO MUCH!
Emotional Connection
Since we are in the third person, we don't have a sole protagonist. But I'm not sure who to look out for. Gideon, Sandra, and Henry seem to be the main characters. Honestly, there's no time to create a connection with any of them since we keep bouncing from one to the other.
Inciting Incident
The inciting incident occurs in the next chapter when a body falls from the ceiling. The principal's reaction is "calling for the body to be transported respectfully to the morgue", which sounds unsuitable. I think on the whole you wanted to portray some sort of calm despite the commotion, as apparently things like this happen and don't go beyond the school walls.
Conflict
So, the anonymous killer is mentioned in the second chapter. Henry explains (all too freely and calmly) who they are, and Ella asks one question before dropping it all, thinking "Life must go on". I'm skeptical, because I was truly expecting this to be the part where she decides to uncover the truth, and we embark on the journey. But maybe this will happen later.
We might also have some sub-conflict between Gideon and David.
Cliffhangers
At the end of the first chapter, you give us some foreboding, promising conflict in the next chapter. Right after you remind us once again the prestigious school is not as it seems.
At the end of chapter two, Samuel suddenly glimpses into the future. Could that be another source of conflict? Or is he just seeing things?
Pacing & chapter length
The first chapter feels very long, but the pacing of the story itself is okay. If you cut out all those extra fluffy words, the flow will definitely improve.
World Building
The school is a solid setting. I assume we'll spend most of our time there, but I'd like to see other parts of the city honestly.
Writing advice + tips
- There are too many big word choices, like triumvirate and tempestuous, which are distracting. While you might be going for a sophisticated style of writing, this only adds extra unnecessary weight and is unrealistic to keep up. You should rather prioritize the flow and description. For example: "Henry initiated the process by commanding the machine to conjure a sandwich". This can be stripped down to "Henry got a sandwich from the vending machine". Keep in mind it's okay to keep descriptions simple, especially for lesser important actions.
- Consider cutting out flats (filler characters) from the first few chapters. Or, if they are developed further on in the story, then simply introduce them later on.
- Reread your sentences (aloud is best!) to improve the flow.
- Correct typos and grammar errors.
Final Impression
There is certainly work to be done during the editing phase, but I feel like the plot is strong. You've given us a couple of subplots, some foreshadowing, and conflict. I'm sure it will end well. So, overall, good job!
Do ask questions and leave comments, (or DM me for further discussion) I'll get to you ASAP :)
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