Free Book Reviews - 2023

10 • A Tale of Two Hearts

Book: A Tale of Two Hearts

Author: @ash_nils_creation

Genre: teen fiction

Story type: Short story

Chapters read: 4

Title: It's simple, but informative (yes, it's romance). Passable. Yet I wonder if there is something more particular to your story. What makes it stand out?

Cover: The title is too small and unimportant. The title should stand out, and attract at a first glance.

I like the rosy hues of the image, but I'm not quite sure what to look at. The image or the title?
Also, your authors name is too small to see at a glimpse.

Blurb: ...Is two sentences. That's okay for a short story, but it also means you must perfect each word until they stand out and intrigue the reader.

Read over your blurb and ask, "Are there stronger words I can use? Is there a more dramatic way to put this?"

First Impression: I like the twist of conflict on a usually saccharine matter.

•••

Inciting Incident: When the protagonist, Ayden, sees the mysterious girl for the first time.
Is it natural to be so attracted to a person by their looks alone? I doubt Ayden would have the same reaction if he sees her picture in a magazine.

My point is, you should focus on mystery girl's (Aria) personality, to justify Ayden's reaction a fraction more.

General plot: I quite like the introduction. It is intriguing and rather unexpected. Leading into the story however, I feel like the victim of watching every mundane aspect of Ayden's everyday life.

It isn't necessary to tell us how he woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and walked to school. That, in fact, only adds up as clutter.

Unless the scene has a purpose or pushes the plot forward, don't add it.

Speaking of which, the conflict of Ayden's mother falling sick serves as a distraction. A diversion from the main plot. Why? Because the plot, or characters, are unchanged after the incident.

As yourself, "If I cut out that scene, will the story be affected?"

Writing Technique: I'm not sure how long you've been writing, but there's a certain passion behind the words. You make an effort to find different dialogue tags (although I'd be the first to say you should try to keep dialogue tags to a minimum, and insead use action).

Speaking of dialogue, it is to be written between speech marks ("), not italicized, and there's no need for a dash (-) in front. If the dialogue tag or action tag comes before the dialogue (not after, as it usually does), it stays on the same line.

At some point, the dialogue feels unnatural and a bit formal. Greetings and banter amongst friends should be more loose and free.

Read out the dialogue and have a friend read the other part. Imagine yourself as the characters. Does it flow freely? Adjust until it does.

Finally...there is too much telling, too little showing. More description is needed. Of setting, feelings, emotions, and personality.

Main Character: Ayden has potential, but I can tell not much attention has been paid to character development. You may think, "It's just a short story. Surely I don't need to create such a detailed character."

You're right. You don't need an extensively detailed character as you might for a novel. But even just a little effort put into figuring out the flaws, qualities, and goals of a character takes your story to the next level.

Other characters: Lia is a nice character. In fact, I think she would be a more viable option for Ayden. It's good to contradict what readers expect, so good job.

As for Aria...I haven't seen much of her within the first four chapters. She should be more involved in the events that take place.

Grammar: I spot a few grammatical errors that can easily be fixed. A couple run-on sentences that need smoothing out.

Also, pay more attention to description. Use strong verbs to strike a more vivid picture in the readers mind.

What to improve:
- Consider finding a brighter, higher quality image for your cover, and make the title bigger.

- Develop each character's personality and story.

- Read out your dialogue and adjust until it sounds natural.

- Read out the entire story. Whenever you have to pause or repeat a sentence, hone in and adjust, cut out, and rewrite. 

Final Impression: This story certainly has potential. All it needs is a good, thorough edit. You can do it!