Title: Outbreak |The First Surge|
Username: Kiahoya
Chapters read: 3 chapters
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Title
Pretty clear. Going off of this, I can already tell the will have to do with some sort of virus or apocalypse.
Cover
The cover is neat and simple but may lack depth and interest. It's fine this way, but you might want to experiment with something a little more dynamic and see what works best.
A good choice of font. Could the space between "Out" and "Break" be reduced a bit? Also, there is "The First Surge" in the title but that doesn't appear on the cover, but rather the word "Surviving".
Blurb
It's not the same blurb you added to your entry or in the disclaimer, I wonder why. Overall, it's pretty good. But I feel like the same idea is conveyed in multiple sentences. All we need to know is: that a virus spreads and causes a global crisis. So you can condense the blurb quite a bit, I think. Also, we're missing a hook, a sentence that expresses the story's goal, which usually comes in the form of a question.
First Impression
I'd definitely give a story like this a try. I wonder how you will pull off a global crisis, which takes a high level of expertise. What's better, we experience this whole thing through four families.
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Concerns
C: I know there might be a lot of characters, but it is an apocalyptic story.
True, apocalyptic stories usually star quite a few characters. That's okay. But with the technical side of writing, there are important elements to consider. Do you pace out your characters so as not to overkill? Does each main character have a solid reason to be in the story, a concrete role, and a strong personality? Can we differentiate each character from the others (unique features, quirks, way of speaking, etc.)?
On the other hand, If they don't develop the plot or story itself in any way, cut them out completely or make them flat characters.
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Questions
Q: Am I getting the occupations right?
A: For the most part, that's a question for you to answer. The only way to deal with occupations, especially if you want to make them credible, is to do a ton of research, as much as possible. Professions are believable only when they are correct. The little details are also important to get right.
In short, readers will notice when a writer has done their homework.
Q: Is there more I can do with detectives, morticians, doctors, etc?
A: Yes and no; it depends. Do you want to do more concerning the story itself surrounding characters who have these professions, or do you want to add more detail and such? For both questions, the answer is the same; research and planning.
And yet, don't get too hung up on the technical side. That'll be a bore.
Q: What enhancements can I make to the officers to better fit their job descriptions?
A: It seems you're asking the same question in different ways, but I can't tell you exactly what to do; that's your job to find out. However, I can suggest going over the scenes with the officers to polish out descriptions, dialogue, and so forth. You can even use movies and books with the same genre to guide you. Heck, even documentaries.
Q: Any elements I should take out or include?
A: If you consider research to be an element, then definitely add that, not just for professions. For example, in the first chapter, you note a burnt body, specifically the teeth. Teeth most likely won't burn as they have great resistance and are mostly indestructible. I'm not sure if this applies to the supernatural creatures in your story, but my point is when in doubt, search it out.
For the rest, I'd say you really have it down.
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Extra advice & tips
- Please hold off from repeating these descriptions: "the male body, the female, a 4'10 woman, the male, etc." Too much of this sounds strange. Instead, utilize a mix of pronouns and names. (If you must, use woman and man, maybe not male and female.
- Each new speaker has a new line for dialogue, as a reader mentioned in your comments.
- This is just a question. Why are the chapters divided into Page 1, Page 2, etc.? Any particular reason?
•••
Final impression
Actually pleasantly surprised. The story is moving nicely, there's a lot of interesting backstory. Really good story-telling so far, so good job!
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