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Dear Diary

word count: 1855

Dear Diary, today I had my first therapy session. She told me to use this, said it would help me 'reflect'. But I don't see how writing about the worst fucking thing that's ever happened to me is going to help me. The love of my life is a murderer, my best friends are dead and yet, I love him. and I miss him, day 33.

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Dear Diary, I keep having dreams about him, about them, about everything. Lily was like my goddamn sister, she means so much to me. Well, meant, I guess. My therapist says it's normal to feel angry but, I can't even speak his name. It hurts to think about it. And yet, I miss him, day 58. 

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Dear Diary, I found his jacket today, that leather one he wore almost everyday, it smells like him, it feels like him, I remember how cold that leather was on my cheeks when we would hug, I remember gripping onto the jacket when I was on the back of his bike. I remember him. I miss him, day 95.

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Dear Diary, I said his name today, it hurt but I did it. Sirius Black. It sucks, his name still makes me feel happy and then I remember and it just... sucks. I never feel happy anymore, Im just so fucking angry all the time and goddamn it, I miss him, day 278

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Dear Diary, it's been a while, I've felt a lot better recently but it's coming up for one year and I guess that's affecting me. Recently, I've been thinking about him, alone and rotting in that cell. I almost feel bad for him sometimes but then I remember what he did to them, why Harry is an orphan. His stupid muggle family won't even let me see him, he's all I have left in the world and I can't say a goddamn word to him. Yet still, I miss him, day 362. 

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Dear Diary, today I hooked up with a guy, he was okay I guess, but it wasn't the same. He wasn't HIM. I felt almost guilty, technically me and Sirius never broke up, so am I a cheater? It's stupid but I guess I just wish I had closure. I miss him, day 683

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Dear Diary, 5 years since the love of my life killed my best and only friends. I hope he rots. I hope he regrets every second. I hate him, but I miss him, day 1827

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Dear Diary, today's my first day back at Hogwarts, I'm excited but also afraid. I'm praying that it doesn't bring back too many memories, I'm not sure if I can bare to remember him, them, the good times. The first time we kissed was in Hogwarts, the first time we did other things was there too. I miss him, day 4341

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Dear Diary, it's coming up for the 12th anniversary, you'd think it would be easier by now, but if anything it only keeps getting harder. Seeing Harry every day is the hardest bit, because as much as I love James and Lily, I love him more. The guilt is unbearable, but there is one silver lining; the 12th anniversary is a full moon, so at least I'm not aware. I miss him, day 4376.

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The morning after the 12 year anniversary Remus woke up like normal, cold and tired and sore, except he wasn't. He was sore, but he was warm, he then noted that the warmth was coming from arms around him, he jumped up and scampered across the floor of the shrieking shack, the floor giving him splinters as he did. He thought his eyes were deceiving him because in front of him appeared to be a very weathered Sirius Black.

"Hey..." Sirius said quietly.

"No, nonono, you're not real. You're not real, you're a hallucination. You're not real, not real, not real, not real." Remus mumbled, putting his face into his hands and breathing quickly. He felt a hand on his shoulder and heard a familiar voice which spoke again.