Am I 'Absolute'?

170: Without you /2

3/January/2022

  I can hear you today mum
Can hear your laugh and what I want you to say again. I can hear your pride. Today I mostly heard my jealousy. Why? A question we all ask and I wonder if you know the answer, being IN the why, being THE why.
  I've held you so many times, what is wrong with my body? That I must shed the skin that touched you. Remembering isn't enough, I still need you. This is a cruel world.
  Nihilism suits me, it has for a long time. Nihilism did not suit you and yet now you are the embodiment of it's result; death... I suppose you also are not; your death is not the end, not your end, not my end, not the end of the love for you or that you had for others.
  I hear your death. Last night it was inundating: it was so huge that a silence filled my ears and I woke up screaming. Can you hear your death? Can you hear the part of me that died with you? I hate death. I hate missing you.
  I love you. Come back. I will be better; I have learnt how to cook nice meals you will enjoy, I have learnt the love of a teenager, I have learnt how to be a teenager, I have learnt the joys of a growing sibling, I have learnt the pain of loss in another way, I have learnt that nihilism abandoned me- it died with you.  
  I am better, I am worse. I am so broken that fixing is slow but still there, in its minute and ugly form.
  What am I without you? Not me, not you.
  I can hear your advice now, smell your skin, feel your love. Where have you gone? When will you be back? I will listen for the rattling keys, for the opening gate.