The Way I Love You

1

Wanda POV:

I wake up once again to an empty bed. Same as I have for a few weeks now. I'm getting sick of it. This wasn't what I wanted. When I got married, I thought my life was set. That I had my dream girl, and that we were starting this dream life. The thing is – it hasn't been a dream. And recently it has been more and more like this nightmare I couldn't escape from.

Every day I would come home and leave from an empty house. The house we picked out together. The place we wanted to call home. It doesn't feel like a home, it's just a house. A cold empty house. I hate staying here. It just reminds me how bad things really are. At least when I'm at work I can pretend that I'm not alone. Here, in this house, though...it just so lonely.

I was happy living in L.A, I thought no place would feel like home after I left Sokovia. But everything was going so great. I did well in school, I had lots of friends, I met the love of my life (or so I thought I did). But that all went away when we moved to New York.

Here in New York, I don't have my friends. I don't have my old job. I don't even have my wife these days. She's so busy trying to be the best at running a company. That means long and late hours. So I never see her, but when I do we fight. About everything really. Anything form who's turn it is to do the laundry to why did we even get married.

Even through all of the late hours, fights and what feels like a miserable life, I still love her. Not the way I did, or thought I did, I'm not quite sure I really loved her the way I should've. But the point is I do care about her. I mean she's been my life for the last five years.

With a dreadful look on my face I finally get up, ready to focus on work rather then laying in this bed that feels too big for me. It wouldn't be so empty if Alexandra was here. Funny, isn't it? – the very definition she was born with, is what she isn't. In Greek she is a helper, but in any other language she is anything but helpful.

The ancient Greeks thought that humans were crated originally with a double set of arms and legs, plus a head with two faces, following their mythology. But Zeus, the god of the sky, split them in fear that they held too much power, essentially condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. I thought my search was over but turns out it isn't.

I thought it was a nice thing before. The fact that we had someone out there looking for us the same way we were looking for them. Someone we needed to feel complete. Never feeling fulfilled until our bodies connected once again, until our one true soul was combined. Creating a unity and a bond which was stronger than anything. Now though, I'm not so sure the ancient Greeks were so right. Because the person who was supposed to be my soul. Who was supposed to make me feel whole; doesn't. And I'm not sure I make her feel whole either, maybe if I did – she would want to be with me.

I stare back at my reflection in the mirror. The bags under my eyes; from crying myself to sleep. The redness on my cheeks; from the constant panic attacks whenever I think about my life. The scars on my face; from every battle I fought. I hate what I'm looking at. I hate that I don't look pretty, whatever that's supposed to be. I hate that I'm not beautiful. I used to believe I looked good, because I was told so, but words don't mean anything when they're said without feelings, when they fall from the lips of a known stranger. Eventually I stopped believing them. I saw the truth, and now I know.

I wash my face and cover any wounds with makeup, so I can at least pretend I have my shit together. I don't want to go teach a bunch of twenty something year old students who are uncertain about life looking like mine is falling apart. I want them to have hope for their futures, even though I don't have any for my own. I remember just a few years ago I myself was looking at everyone who was older wondering how it was like to be out in the real world, and though I was an adult I didn't feel like it. After getting married, getting a job, buying a house, I do feel old. I feel like I grew up so much in such short time, yet I'm only 26.

I finish getting ready. I look at my hands, only one of them barring rings. They feel heavy on there. Like an added weight I'll never get used to. I think about taking them off for every day that pass, and I never do. It will just do more damage than good.

As I leave the house, I see Alexandra on the couch asleep with her computer open and papers everywhere. She does look cute where she's sleeping, but I wish it was next to me for once. I sneak over there and put a blanket over her, it's autumn and getting colder. The house is always cold though. She opens her eyes and looks around herself before groaning, "what time is it?"

"Seven in the morning, just go back to sleep Alex." But she jolts up. I'm not surprised.

"Oh shit, I have a meeting at 7:45, I need to get to the office." I sigh as I watch her start gathering everything. "Alex please just cancel the meeting, you need to sleep, I'm not letting you out in traffic with almost no sleep and stressed." I say knowing it's not going to make any difference.

"Wanda please, you're in the way. You know I have to go, just leave for work. I'll be fine." She says as she starts walking down the hall.

"It's not you I'm worried about." I mutter under my breath. To be honest it would be for the good of humanity if she wasn't on the road. Chances of a crash would go down exponentially.

I leave as she says, not wanting to start my day with a fight. The drive is decent enough, I kind of like that it takes a while, I get to listen to music and just relax for a bit. Run through what I'm supposed to teach, and what I have to do in the day.

I have to talk to one of my students today, I'm not excited for that, when someone fails a test – I feel like I have failed them. That I'm not teaching them well enough for them to understand. She has been distracted though. All week I've notice she hasn't been paying attention, so it can't be all on me. I just hope she's okay.

I walk into the classroom just as the bell rings in, telling everyone it's time for class. I take a deep breath as I turn to address all the half-asleep students in the room. Not a single one of them is excited, and I get it, I wasn't either when I was a student. The only reason I like being up so early now and get to work is because I don't have to think about my own problems for a while, all I have to do is make sure my students learn what they're supposed to.