The Way I Love You

32

Y/N POV:

I'm driving Wanda to her divorce meeting so she can sign the papers. Tonight was rough I'll admit. For me and for her, different reasons of course but still just hard. I love her and she loves me, and I know this. I feel so dumb for doubting her, or our relationship that way. Turns out I wasn't the only one though. Which is kind of nice, we help each other. She said I made her feel better last night, and she made me feel better this morning.

There is a nice silence in the car but I see Wanda nervously fiddling with her hands. "You nervous my love?" My voice cuts through the quietness.

"A little. I mean I don't know how this works. But it'll be alright."

"If you knew how this works, I'd be concerned" I laugh mostly to myself.

She chuckles lightly and the anxious expression she previously had is replace with a small smirk, "maybe the next time I won't be so nervous, and by the third time I'll have it nailed down."

I slap my hand gently on her thigh, not wanting to actually hurt her, and roll my eyes at the road in front of me. We both laugh a little, "who said I wanted to get married?"

"Who said I was marrying you next?" I gasp overdramatically with an offended expression, "so you want kids with me but not to marry me, ouch."

"Darling I'd marry you any day of the week, granted my divorce goes through." She chuckles out looking over at me. She ever so carefully takes a hold of my hand that I left resting on her thigh, intertwining our fingers. I feel a wave of joy go through me, making my stomach flutter at the small motion.

I feel Wanda's eyes on me and I glance over at her, she's biting down on her bottom lip cutely. When our eyes meet for a second she doesn't look away, she keeps staring right at me. I quickly turned my gaze back on the road not wanting to end up in an accident. But I swear my cheeks are turning red, "stop staring babe, its distracting, I don't think driving is the best time to lose my focus."

"Sorry but it's hard to stop, you're so beautiful. I'm not sure I can look away actually." She says bringing my hand up to her lips placing a soft kiss to the back of it before gently resting our still intertwined hands down in her lap again. After she does – she finally looks away, "okay okay being in a car crash doesn't sound much fun."

"Really because I think it sounds like a good plan, maybe our next date should be that. Man that would be hilarious. No no but for real imagine dying right before you get divorced, or right after before you could live a different life, that'd be tragic."

"Do you think about that a lot? Dying – what it would be like?"

"I guess, more now than ever," I tell her honestly. I don't know why she's asking but I do know that I think about it a lot. "Why is it that we know so many people die all the time but we're surprised when it's one of our own, like we're so fucking special and death can't affect us. You know we hear all these stories of lives lost too young and people who just suddenly died for no good reason and think that could never happen to us. But it can and I guess that scares me," I confess.

When she doesn't respond I continue, "my dad died in a car accident. He was drunk and behind the wheel, so it was his own fault. Doesn't hurt any less that he passed. I'll be honest I'm a little mad at him, why would he do that you know. But life is hard that's the answer, and death is easy. Living means being in pain and death means no more pain. Sometimes I think it would be nice, no more pain, but my dad dying reminded me of how it pains the people who care. Though I don't have many of those either. My brother, I'm sure he would be fine without me but I also know he cares. He wouldn't have stayed with me and help me if he didn't. And then there's you, and I keep trying to convince myself that in the grand scheme of things I don't matter in your life, if I was gone it wouldn't hurt you...but now I don't know anymore-"

I take a deep breath to collect my thoughts again before I continue, "I think the lack of control is what scares me. The you could die at any second and it won't be up to you. That if you chose yourself, today is my last day, you could do what you want and go how you want. If I chose to die at a time I'm unhappy and have nothing left to lose then I don't have to hold on when I do have something to lose. If I just- ...if I had done something about it when I wanted to – I wouldn't have gotten to know you. We never would have spent any real time together. We never would have kissed. You wouldn't be going through this divorce and I wouldn't be sick to my stomach restarting my medicine. I don't know- I love you so much and it's weird to think I could have missed that, that neither of us would be here right now if I got what I wanted. The thought of being dead would make me smile, it would always make me smile, and now I'm fucking terrified I could die and never get another moment with you. I don't understand anything anymore if I'm being honest."

It gets quiet again when I finish talking, for a while at least, but I can feel Wanda pondering what I said next to me. "I feel the same way...when Pietro died I had nobody but Alex really and when I started losing her I thought maybe this all wasn't worth it, but now I'm really glad I found enough in me to just keep going. But I guess I also thought differently a lot, like I was mad at the world for making me lose everything, not just mad at myself. With you I find it hard to be mad at anything, things seem more hopeful, and I think I should be mad at myself...because I still did wrong by Alex, even so I can't find any hate in me for loving you. But when Alex said she wished she never met me or married me or that I died, I thought that's fine because I found the greatest person on the planet, I found someone so great. If I heard her say that a few years ago, even a few months ago I would be in such an unbearable pain. I know it. Because why couldn't I leave her, because she was all I had left. And if I didn't have anything left, what kind of life would it be. The thought of not getting another moment with you ever again is probably the scariest thought I've ever had, or it makes me more scared than anything else."

"She really said that?"

"Yeah, but she was upset, I was leaving her. And that was without knowing I was in love with someone else."

"Does she not know."

"No, and I don't think it would go over well for us if she found out I was dating you, or that you're my student."

"Hmm don't you think she deserves to know?"

"Not really, if she didn't care about how I was spending my time before, when we were together. She would never ask about my day or even notice if I wasn't at home...why should I now tell her."

"You don't have to say everything, I just meant the I had an affair thing."

"I'm scared of what I'll find out if I tell her honestly. If she can get angry at me for nothing I don't want to find out how angry she can be if I hurt her. And it seems unnecessary to tell her something that'll upset her. It feels like dragging her down more for no reason."

"Not for no reason, for a clear conscience. For honesty. For giving her a shred of respect."

"I'll think about it."

"That's all I ask. No matter what, in the end it's your decision, and only you know what's right for you." A few seconds later I stop the car in the parking lot, turning to face Wanda. I give her a long loving kiss before wishing her "good luck."

"Thanks, I'll need it," she laughs for a beat, "call you when I'm done?"

"Sounds great, I love you beautiful."

"I love you too baby."