The Way I Love You

21

Y/N POV:

Another few hours pass and I'm still on the couch, lazed in a pool of my tears, not literally but it feels like it. I hear a knock at the door and drag myself up. I have a feeling I know who this is.

I open the door and I'm not surprised to find Wanda on the other side. She looks taken aback at first, maybe it's my general appearance, puffy face, red bloodshot eyes, and only in my underwear, though after a moment she just wraps me in a tight hug, and I feel like running away. Ravi was right.

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5- 5- 5. She let's go. I breathe out relived. I walk back in and throw myself on the couch, she joins me after a moment. She lifts me up so she can sit down, and I rest against her chest as she holds me. It's not as bad as it was a minute ago.

"I didn't mean to attack you, I just wanted to know if you were okay." I feel her words at the top of my head.

"I know..." I do know.

"Doesn't seem like you know." No, I know.

"No, I know." I do know.

"Then why leave, and why stay home, and why not answer." Why ask? Why care? Why love me? I'm fucked in the head.

"Can we not talk about it?" I really don't want to talk about it.

"I mean, I at least should get some explanation..." She's right, she does deserve some explanation. All I can come up with is, "I wasn't feeling well." And it's true.

"Maybe because you hadn't eaten." Here we go.

"Wanda don't-"

"Why not?" Because I said I don't want to talk about it. I knew she wouldn't drop it, that's why I didn't answer when she texted.

"I don't have an appetite, can't you accept that and move on."

"No because you have to eat."

I know I may appear dumb but even I know that one. "I will."

"You haven't yet?" Not quite.

"No but I'm nauseous."

"Maybe because you're hungry." That's such an annoying response...but it may very well be true.

"No, it's because-" I stop myself from telling her. I do want to share what's going on, but I don't want to talk about it. Dilemma. Conundrum. Whatever.

"Because?"

Because, because, because "of the stupid pills." I can't not tell her, I love her after all, I don't want to be dishonest. I guess I have been until now though. Even though it wasn't intentional.

"What pills?"

"My medication. When I don't take them, I tend to lose my appetite," among other things, "and Ravi made me take them when I got home yesterday, but they give me headaches and nausea and mood swings, so I stayed home."

"What are they?"

"...antidepressants..." I whisper it, hoping she doesn't hear it, but I know she did. She doesn't say anything she just keeps stroking a careful hand over my stomach. "I take it for my- just for different stuff really," I add slowly. I already said A so why not say B. But I leave B incomplete because it's hard to say. She still doesn't say anything though.

"Different things?" She finally asks. It's a fair question, it is. I just don't know which level of honesty she's aiming for.

Here goes C, D, E through Z, "...OCD...depression...anxiety, and like general problems that comes with each thing..." That should be well enough right? I mean it's the truth.

"What do you take?" What is this, 20 questions or something?

"Currently sertraline, the bottle on the counter." I tell her as she gets up. Where is she going?

"You know what will help, not being couped up in your apartment, and something to wash down the pills with that isn't just water." She says as she disappears into my bedroom. I just look at the door waiting for her to come back. When she does – she has a pair of pants and a sweater with her.

She hands the clothes to me and says, "come on." That's all she says.

"Wanda, I don't feel well." I already said this right? And even if I didn't, I feel like it was obvious.

"I know." This bitch. I start putting on my clothes, I keep looking at her face. I can't tell what she's thinking, and she hasn't really said anything. Sometimes I wish I could read minds.

Almost before I could zip my pants she pulls me with her to the hallway, and I do as she: putting on shoes and a jacket. I guess I'm going outside.

The cold air hits my face and I take a sharp breath in. It smells so clean. It's so soothing. "Told you it would help." She just says as she links our arms and starts walking down the street, dragging me after her.

We walk a few blocks until we reach a park, it's empty right now and the sky has gotten dark just in the span of going outside and till now. I sit down on a bench, feeling tired from the headache. Wanda sits down next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder, letting me rest against her.

"You wanna know what I think?" She suddenly says, startling me somewhat. Her voice cuts through the silence.

"Always." I whisper. Nothing's changed? I feel different though... but not about Wanda, so nothing's changed.

"You know I don't care right?" That's one way to phrase a sentence. I know what she's going for but even so, "well that's sort of rude." I say laughing at her.

"No. I mean about your meds or OCD, or you know all that, it doesn't change what I think of you." I turn to meet her eyes, they're so soft. So easy. She continues, "I mean it, you're still you, and I love you." She adds weight on I love you. "Just don't shut me out...I get enough of that."

"I don't want to be a burden." That's the truth. I don't want to be in her way. An inconvenience.

"You are not a burden." Her tone is harsh.

"I feel like one."

"Everyone can feel like a burden, doesn't mean we are one. Never to the people who cares. The ones who really cares."

"You really care?" I can't trust it, because usually I feel like no one does. The exception being nobody because no matter what I always have doubts. But I feel like I can learn, I can trust in it, because Wanda makes me feel like I can.

She starts laughing with a that's ridiculous sense, "of course I care, how do you not see how much I care about you Y/N."

"I'm sorry." I am.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You have done nothing wrong." I feel my body sink along with my heart. A tension from myself lifted. I have done nothing wrong? I have done nothing wrong. "I have done nothing wrong."

"You have done nothing wrong." I feel a smile creep on my lips, playing with the strings on my heart and the chains holding me down.

"Thank you." I let slip without having any intention of saying it. It just happened. It happened because I'm so grateful for what she's done, for what she's doing, for what she will do.

"For what?" Everything.

"For being you. For being here. For loving me. Just thank you." Slowly she moves her head, and I feel a cold touch as her nose meets mine. A warm burst hits me, "it's my pleasure."

I close the little distance that's between us. A warmth flooding through my cold body, making everything melt as our lips lock with one another. The frozen ground is dripping, and I swear I can hear a stream running down the pathway – that moments ago was covered in a thin layer of snow.

But when we break apart, I feel the fresh air that comes with winter go through me, and everything is just as frozen as it was. Except me and Wanda. Even though it's cold all around; we are warm and safe in each other's presence. I feel so relived.