Blurred Lens

Battle of emotions

You watched the waves roll in and out. In and out. The Han river waves were usually gentle, but had a fierceness rooted in the water that day. They mesmerized you and tried to ease your panicked mind.

You hadn't spoken to Jungkook in days, that in itself was a shock to the system. Along with the wedding approaching, around the corner at this point. His silence was frightening and you begged for his answer to arise.

You hadn't reached out because there was nothing to say on your side. He, on the other hand, was expected to pour his final decision on you. You'd thought he'd have already made it, he should have already made it. But alas, nothing was uttered.

You returned your thoughts to the rocky water. The wind picking up was fueling their movement and building the wildness.

Your phone buzzed by your side. Your first instinct was to dive for it, like you had been doing all that week. Each time had disappointed you as you glanced at every name which was not his.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes, ignoring the impulse. You were determined to rest your tired mind, just for a second.

You listened to the city noise and water sounds, feeling the wind comfort you. 

But it was not working, the wind was pushing your loose hair into your face and clinging it to your lip gloss. Your hand continued to itch for your phone and the clutching sensation on your chest remained.

You sighed and gave in, picking your phone from your pocket. The screen lit up and you observed who was the messenger.

Your eyes widened and your grasp on the phone became painful. You didn't trust your exhausted eyes that it was him, so you blinked and re-absorbed Jungkook's name lit up. Instantly your pupils dragged down the screen, reading what he had written.

I called off the wedding.

He called of the wedding.

He'd called off the wedding - for you.

You sat there moulded in cement for a brief moment, absorbing. He'd chosen you. Over everything in his life, he'd chosen you.

You felt light-headed and allowed a tear of happiness and relief to flow down your warm cheeks. 

You felt like this was a turning point. You and Jungkook could be together, without feeling wary in public or keeping it a secret. You could just be together and know the future could hold anything you could ever wish. Because, finally, you could begin to see a future.

You pictured growing old and you quickly got carried away. Imagining weekly family meals with everyone around the table. Your kids laughing along with you both and their grandparents -

Oh... the grandparents. There would only be one set. You fully absorbed what Jungkook's answer resulted it. He would be left without any parents and without a job. All the memories and hard work he'd been savouring all his life would be ripped away. Leaving him with nothing, but you.

Over everything in his life, he'd chosen you. This did not sing happily in your ears this time. It felt like a boulder, crushing all your previous happiness and dragging back the painful squeeze of your chest. Jungkook's previous words swirled around your brain; I'm so scared that I'd... blame you or put pressure on us and even we'd fall apart.

You read back Jungkook's message. It didn't sound happy. He hadn't told you in person and the full stop that followed it felt like a punch in your throat.

You told yourself you were overthinking as everything seemed a little overwhelming. You unlocked your phone and made your way to "contacts" to press Jungkook's name. When the phone dial began, you raised the mobile to your ear.

Each ring folded into a endless frequency and tortured your ear drums. He wasn't going to pick up. The beep for his voicemail was heard and your attempted to craft a summary.

'Hey, Jungkook. Um, call me when you can.' It was rushed. You felt the need to thank him for what he'd decided, but that felt wrong. You wanted to comfort him, but you had no idea what had happened over on his end.

So you continued to sit there, a battle of your emotions occurred, each fighting to feel which was the strongest in that moment.

This continued for the next two days. You went through minutes of pure joy at the prospect of the future, then fear and dread.

Jungkook did not call you. He did not message. You inferred that his life had been turned upside down. His lack of contact led you to believe he needed time to sort things out or have a moment alone. But this did not stop your mind wondering and pleading to know what was going on.

Your pleas were answered as you ate breakfast in your kitchen while scrolling on your phone. A text popped up at the top of the screen from Jungkook and read; Can you meet me? This was followed by an address that was unknown to you.

Nerves fluttered in your stomach, but joy soothed them at knowing you would see Jungkook again. This short time apart in a combination with all your questions had been hell. 

You had been preparing for a photography appointment with a football team. This was not for another hour, so you thought this would give you at least some time to speak to Jungkook.

You discarded your breakfast and grabbed your coat and camera and scurried out the door. You ran to your nearest bus stop and let the vehicle lead you to another stop near Jungkook's given address. On the journey you popped him a message letting him know you were on your way.

It hadn't been too far away, so soon enough you had arrived at the stop. You gathered your belongings and exited the public transport, allowing the map on your mobile to guide you to the destination.

You walked down a bright street, with colourful shops and restaurants laying at the bottom of huge buildings, you assumed were offices or housing. There were some smaller buildings neighbouring these, giving a strong contrast. 

Your phone vibrated by your side as you arrived at a heaving car park, letting you know your destination had been reached. You stood at the entrance, observing families and individuals entering and exiting their cars. You continued to scan the area, feeling a little hopeless at the overwhelming number of vehicles and people.

You wandered in and felt relief when your eyes gravitated towards the familiar face of Jungkook. He was standing by his car which was near the entrance, thank goodness. He was pacing back and forth, as you neared him you noticed his paper white face. His eyes met yours, but none of the usual happiness flowed into them. They remained down turned and filled with worry.

'Jungkook. What's wrong?' You rushed forward. 

'Y/N.' His voice was weak.

You noticed his attire. He looked like he'd just walked out of an important meeting, wearing a tailored, black suit and a black tie. His breast pocket was stuffed with a blue napkin, similar to how his father had looked in the office.

Seemingly unconsciously, Jungkook's eyes shifted across the street, his mouth opened but no words came out.

You followed his gaze. Across the road there was a big church with rows of people flowing into the building. Your heart sank as you noticed Jungkook's dad and another woman greeting the guests and shaking hands with them.

You turned back to Jungkook, your stomach and heart falling down while nausea built up inside you. You knew you had turned an identical image to him, pale and sickly.

'You didn't call off the wedding.'

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