Judgement - Johndo

55

He continues, „But that was just one part. And the first time. After that had happened, my once fine world, as okay as it could be, was completely destroyed, as well as my mentality along the way.

He didn't just rape me once, over the years it happened, if I was unlucky, every week or more, else at least once a month. For three years. I had to listen to the roughest of words while being beaten by him, screaming, just suffering in pain with nobody to help."

As he tells about it, Doyoung can't help but tense his body, one of his hands clenching into his arms, the other one clenching even more tightly into a fist, veins start popping up and his knuckles turn white from the force.

„I got called ugly, useless, names like slut, whore and more things. I got told that the only thing I would be good at is being used and for the sexual pleasure of others, a lot of those things.

After three years then, he left, got caught for abusing another, even younger child. I thought it was over, even though I already was traumatized.

But other children had taken on his traits, saw beating me as normal. Sure, I wasn't raped anymore. But bullied. In the orphanage, in school, nowhere was a safe place to me. And I had thought it was normal, that I could be tossed around by anyone who wanted to. With 13 I snuck out for the first time, discovered drinking. But what was the main thing I learned over time and while being out, was how to get myself up and that thing's didn't have to be as they are.

Now I'm not talking about my mentality, fixing it. Or getting so drunk that I could die from it. I mean I figured out, how to basically turn things around, how to control those around me, take what I didn't really have. Over time I learned how people work, along with my already destroyed self I got really angry at people, no matter whom.

I heard that heartbreaks are the worst thing you can do to someone, so I decided to learn exactly that. I learned how to seduce men or just people in general, manipulate others, use them for what I want them to do, for my benefit.

The first person I ever seduced though taught me the most, that I can decide what will happen to me in my life. He was the first one to ask before laying hands on me. Okay, he was ready to buy me something as reward if I was too scared since he thought I was a virgin. But that small thing, even if it was trading my body or buying me in some way, it taught me nobody had the right to do just whatever they want with me.

The most important lesson, even if it didn't change the fact that I saw using people as only way to keep this way of me being able to control what happens to me myself.

I've been doing it for years, now that I'm 22 and started it with at least 15. The thing is, I'm not heartless you know. I do have feelings, I do feel pain, I do suffer. I just hide it, somewhere inside of me.

My past experiences are what taught and got me to the point I'm at now. Showing weakness makes me a target. Showing pain that is, that I'm hurt, no matter if it's physical or mental. I basically got taught that I'm no good, not useful for anything but pleasing people sexually.

It's not like I haven't tried to get away from the path I'm on right now, which I've been on for these last past years. In this House everyone has been so nice to me, you haven't bound me to anything really or pushed me to do something I absolutely didn't want to.

Yet one simple word always is enough to make everything come up, make me scared the past might repeat and I go back to what I experienced works for me without failure. I can't even let anyone be too close to me, scared they might use me again or betray me or even worse, they would be hurt by someone that's trying to hurt me.

I'm terrified of others but also myself somewhere, it's a Never ending circle of suffering from something."

Tears are rolling down Doyoung cheeks as he by now clenches into his arm and fist so much that not only prints will surely be left, but also a bit of blood starts to appear on his arm. His whole body is trembling, he's scared of their reactions, has been for a while now, yet once he started he couldn't stop, he just had to let it all out.

„Hyung, your arm!"

The first words Doyoung hears after the story he told his two brothers, before he gets pulled into a tight embrace from the younger one, causing him to widen his eyes.