Judgement - Johndo

113

Flinching from his name being called sudden, he doesn't dare to move at all, scared Johnny will react like he feared.

And that fear is that Johnny doesn't believe him or hate him again now, that he'll judge or make use of this found weakness. Or that everything before was just an act to trick him.

That's always his fear when he tells anything to anyone, anxiety is always waiting in the back of his head.

„Doyoung, please look at me. Lift your head."

Very scared the younger of the two does as asked, eyes still glued down, yet slowly starting to look up, travel upwards, trying to read Johnny from his body language.

Yet only when he looks him in the eyes, Doyoung can read his emotions. And they break his heart for some reason.

Johnny looks at him with a look full of guilt and regret, like he really feels devastated about his actions now and wishes he could make them undone.

But also empathy, as if he wanted to hug Doyoung and somehow be able to help him.

„Why... why did you never call out for help... why are you trying to make yourself more miserable than you already are?", Johnny says, voice a bit unstable and shaking, causing Doyoung to panic inside.

He never thought he could make Johnny out of all the people cry with his past, when telling him what's really going on inside of him.

„I-It's fine, don't be so sad about it! I can't change what I've done now, and besides, I've also done despicable things so no need to make me seem innocent!"

„But you are... in some way, somewhere. No wonder I often felt like you were living out the child you never got to be."

„Reminds me of when you took me to the park the first time. I said, „I should have known about this place when I was younger.". Maybe if I had had that place as a safe spot, somewhere to run to if things got too much. Maybe I would have decided to live different..."

„Not just that.", Johnny starts.

„I wish I had known you back then. Not just because I was rather wild and rowdy at that time, open and up for fights. If I ever had seen you getting bullied, I surely would have protected you. Maybe I could have given you a place to stay, protect you from all that misery.

We could have become friends way sooner and you wouldn't have it that hard... maybe we even could have adopted you to get you out of there."

Smiling about the words, even if a bit bitter tasting somewhere, Doyoung then answers, „Don't blame yourself. You can't change it now, what has been done is done. The person who raped me first has long since gotten their punishment, I've been trying my best to get over my trauma.

The steps I've taken this year are the most I ever took, the biggest. Somewhere I am thankful and glad to have met you, even if it wasn't a good start.

I've been able to open up to Sicheng and Taeyong, I now can be a real brother and have a cute younger one as well. And an older one who takes good care of me.

They don't want to give up on me and Taeyong never did. I'm grateful for that, for him.

But also to you. Even if you caused me a mess of emotions and made me drink till I passed out because thoughts haunted me. In the end, it lead to this, me being able to be myself for the first time since I was about six years old.

It feels somehow freeing.

And I get to experience a certain freedom which I never did before."

The more Johnny listens to those words, the more he can't help but feel like crying.

Holding back the tears in his eyes and doing his best to have a stable voice, Johnny starts talking once again, „Hey, Doyoung."

„Yeah?"

„Can I ask you for something? Even if it may seem selfish and wrong, looking at how much I hurt you and did wrong."

„Feel free to ask, I'm all ears."

Taking a short breath, he says,

„Could you show me more of your real side? The real you? Your emotions.... What's bothering you.... When you can't sleep.... When you're just feeling scared.... Do you think you can let me in on such things? Allow me to be there for you?

And.

Will you allow me to be a closer and better friend?"

Overrun by the heartfelt meant words, Doyoung at first sits there shocked and frozen, the only thing changing is his face color, which is starting to turn a little red.

Even if it's not a confession and meant as normal friends. It's still way more than someone ever wanted to be with him, to be that near him, to help him, also just spend time with him.

So either way he feels overwhelmed, even if he has a few friends by now. Hearing it from Johnny is another thing to his emotions.

Though if Johnny would have confessed now, not that that would ever happen, but if, then Doyoung would have fainted on the spot.

Stuttering and trying to recover, half panicked he answers, „O-Of course, Iwould never mind you being my friend!"

Yet his panic doesn't get soothed at all, as he now notices a tear, rolling down Johnny's cheek.

The tears he tried to hold in now start rolling down in relief and happiness as he smiles with a mix of being glad and sad.