Judgement - Johndo

112

„Hello Johnny, please come in.", Taeyong greets the other, who politely takes the invitation and takes off both jacket and shoes at the entrance.

Afterwards Taeyong sends him upstairs, to Doyoung's room, who has been waiting for the older.

He has been nervous since the morning, even over night, he slept bad, even if that's almost the usual that he sleeps bad, it was really bad that night.

Somewhere in his brain he does regret not having drunken himself to sleep basically, make himself pass out once again.

„Doyoung? Are you okay?", Johnny's voice pulls Doyoung out of his thoughts and daydreaming from the lack of sleep, flinching he turns his head towards the door from sitting on his bed.

„Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Come over here, you can sit down on the chair if you don't want to go on my bed."

„Well if your bed's clean I won't mind sitting there."

„It is. Believe it or not I don't take guys home. In general I'm not that often in here... but that's part of some different problems."

„I'm interested. After all, you called me here because you said you wanted to let me in on your life background as well. I guess you already told Sicheng and Taeyong?"

„A while ago. When Sicheng's attitude towards me changed, that was about the time I confessed to them and told them everything."

„And today it's my turn it seems."

„Seems so. Any questions you have right away?", Doyoung asks, grabbing a pillow and holding it tightly in his arms, as if he was afraid of something.

In this Case he's scared that he's actually going to talk about this. Again.

„I do have one, else I'm gonna let you talk. What did you mean with „I'm generally not here often"?"

„Oh. Well I'm not that often in my bedroom or in bed in general. I've had sleeping problems since a few years now, I don't exactly remember when the last time was that I could sleep like every other person does. I usually study all night to wear myself out or stay awake for a few days till I pass out. Or what I did a few times for the past month, drink till I passed out. Anything to fall asleep I guess."

„That does sound like anything but not healthy. For... for how long has this been your habit?", Johnny says, being a bit stunned by what he just heard.

And making him fear that he'll hear much worse things in a bit.

Innocently, Doyoung answers, „For a very Long time. I guess for about over ten years? I can't really fall asleep without my body being forced to, too much thoughts haunt my mind if I don't distract it."

„And... may I ask what's all on your mind exactly to be this bad?"

„Many things. My past, but also recent things I do, I told you about that part once. But the worst would definitely be my past.

So to cut it short, I'm adopted as you might know or not. So I'm not blood related to Taeyong or Sicheng.

Back at the orphanage I... I have been raped by a caretaker since a very young age, leading to me believing I'm not good for anything... anything else but to be used for sex. Back then I didn't even know it could feel good at all, all I knew was pain, harsh words and suffering, constant fear. It's probably the main reason for most of my problems now.

I never got told about what happened to my real parents, had to find it out later myself, they're dead, got killed.

In the orphanage itself I was just suffering, I started to see it as normal that people could basically rape me whenever they wanted to or bully and punch me if they felt like it.

I snuck out at the age of 13, somehow got lost into a nearby bar. That was the experience which changed me and my life.

The first person there who wanted to have sex with me, he was way softer towards me than anyone before, he taught me in that one night that I'm worth something and shouldn't be treated without respect. Even if he basically wanted to buy me, it was still more respect than I had ever experienced before.

Over the years my habit and way of thinking turned into what I'm acting as now, that I'm scared to show my real self or I'll get hurt and raped again, that I'll be treated like an object.

I thought seducing was a good way to make people do what I want and to keep them in check, so that I won't suffer again. I also learned to manipulate people, something I've been doing for way too long, never showing my real self and emotions since they make me weak. At least in my way of seeing things.

I mean, I didn't expect that I would basically become addicted to sex after getting a taste of what it can and should really feel like.

But, most of it is just my insecurities, fears, nightmares from the past which haunt me.

Then again, I don't expect anyone to believe me talking about this past. I've done too much, manipulated too much and am too good at it to be someone anyone would want to believe. I've done too many things wrong by now..."

It's quiet between the two for a while, Doyoung then adds something, is the first to talk again.

„Back then, when we met. I wasn't intimidated by you at first. But when you said those words to me, that anyone probably could do something, in this case basically rape me, it reminded me so much of my past. I got scared and felt like I would fall apart, would go crazy.

I... decided to drink afterwards, because I felt like my reaction to your words gave away too much of my real self, both you as well as Sicheng and Taeyong. I know I'm despicable.

But I always thought that maybe this fact also can make me be more secure, that nobody will want to even get the idea to do anything to me. It's sounds weird, I know.

But those were my thoughts and what lead to my decisions. Now that I'm older I'm starting to overthink everything more and more, yet I don't even know where I should start if I wanted to get out of this cycle."

Silently, Johnny looks at Doyoung, who only dared to shortly glance at him, then went back to looking down in embarrassment, shame and fear.

„Doyoung."