Be-panah

FIVE

Ek shor hai mujhme,
Jo khaamosh bahut hai.

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Adab was sprawled on her bed while a random movie played on the television that she was hardly paying attention to.

A knock echoed on her door followed by the voice of her mother, “Adab?”

“Come in, Maa.” Adad said and paused the movie. Mehr entered the room and Adab sat up.

“What are you upto?” Mehr asked.

Adab simply pointed towards the television. Mehr nodded and passed her an amazon parcel. “Your delivery came.”

Adab took it and started to unpack it. Mehr noticed her daughter for a few seconds before asking, “Is everything okay?”

Adab looked up at her and shrugged. “Yeah, why?”

“Nothing. You just don’t look normal.” Adab’s confused face and nervous eyes couldn’t stay hidden from her mother’s notice. Also, she’d been awfully quiet lately.

Adab had never lied to her mother since she knew it was futile. And  she didn’t want to lie today either. But she also couldn’t tell her the truth. So she stayed quiet.

“You know you can share anything with me, right?” Mehr sensed her discomfort and sat down beside her.

After a lot of contemplation, Adab finally spoke, “Maa, why did you not move on and marry someone else after Abbu married Aqsa Ammi?”

Mehr and Arsalaan had never kept any secrets from their kids, which also included telling them their story. Mehr had been in love with Arsalaan since the age of four. But her feelings were not reciprocated. So when the news of him marrying Aqsa reached Mehr, she was absolutely devastated. But her love for him was selfless. She saw him marry Aqsa and then left for Mumbai to work. Four years later, when she came back to Delhi, she found out that Aqsa had passed away three years ago, leaving a widowered Arsalaan and their daughter, Eshal behind. Arsalaan’s mother wanted him to marry Mehr so that Eshal could get the love of a mother, but Mehr’s mother was totally against it. She didn’t want her daughter to become someone’s second wife and step-mother. But Mehr’s love for the three-year-old girl made her agree to the alliance. Finally, Mehr and Arsalaan were married, and it didn’t take long for Arsalaan to fall in love with Mehr. Mehr turned out to be the perfect mother for Eshal, but she also never let Eshal forget her Aqsa Ammi and made sure she remembered her on every big occasion in her life. Eventually, Mehr’s mother also came around and a few years later, Adab was born. And just like Eshal, Adab was also habituated to call Aqsa ammi.

Mehr sighed. “It is not like I never tried, but I just couldn’t make myself love anyone other than your Abbu. Even though my heart was broken into tiny pieces after watching him marrying someone else, those tiny pieces still beat for him.”

Adab couldn’t help but smile listening to her mother, and a tiny part of her also craved to experience that kind of love.

“And I guess the reason why I could never love anyone else was because Allah had other plans for me. He had written Arsalaan for me, He just didn’t let me have him in a normal way. He wanted to test me and him with some cruelty of life before blessing us with each other and a beautiful life together.” Mehr’s eyes were glassy with tears. “And, of course, cherishing us with two beautiful daughters.” She cupped Adab’s cheek lovingly.

“When I lost Arsalaan, I thought I’d hit rock bottom. There seemed no light for me at the end of the tunnel. But look at me today, I am happily married to him. In this calculative world, where we’re always busy planning our future, what we often forget is that God is the ultimate planner. So all we can do is brace ourselves, accept whatever challenge life throws at you and let Allah take care of the rest.”

After Mehr finished speaking, she found Adab in deep thoughts. She wanted to ask her if anything was bothering her, but she also trusted her daughter and respected her space. If she wanted to, she’d share it with her. And even if she didn’t, she must figure it out on her own. Not wanting to disturb her, Mehr got up and silently made her way out of the room.

Adab’s mind kept repeating everything her mother had said. She had grown up watching her parents absolutely in love, and she had wanted that kind of life for herself too. While growing up, Adab had always been teased with Zaroon’s name by her cousins. Even her mother and her Parishay Mami had hinted that eventually she’d be married off to Zaroon. She had grown up hearing that she was Zaroon ki dulhan. Over the years, she also became popular among her friends because of this. All her female friends would tell her how lucky she was to get a man as handsome as Zaroon.

And one of the many features of our human brain is that if something is told to us repeatedly, we start to believe it. She had become so used to hearing her and Zaroon’s name together that she had accepted their relationship without even realizing that she had done that because the people around had normalized it by saying it to her from a very young age, and not because she actually loved him.

Do you love him? She asked herself. She knew she cared about him, she also knew that she loved him like she loved her family. But did she love him like she should love a man? Like she should love her husband? She didn’t know. She was used to blushing to her cousins’ teasing and Zaroon’s flirtings. But that didn’t mean she loved him. Hell, she didn’t even know what love meant.

But today, when she heard her Maa talking about her Abbu, there was a sparkle in her eyes. Her face lit up every time she would look at Arsalaan, even after so many years of marriage. And with the passion that she was talking about him, Adab had never experienced that passion before.

Adab once again replayed her mother’s words and asked herself to think if she could ever imagine herself talking about someone with so much love. And her heart replied back in affirmation. But even though her heart’s answer was yes, it scared the hell out of her. Because the man’s name that her heart replied back with was not of her fiance’s.

🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸

It is happening! Adab is slowly realising what she actually wants, or rather who she actually wants.

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