❤Struggles, Sentiments, Yearning❤

Chapter 11- The Secret.. The Truth..

Louis' POV

Nothings changed, neither Harry nor his love and concern for me.. Everybody did see me cough relentlessly, rushing to the washroom, the boys asked about what was wrong, they thought I had eaten something bad thus these frequent rushes to the washroom but only Harry was the one, to come over to me, asking what was I going through..

My heart screamed for him to hold me tight and never let go, but my cold mind spoke arrogantly..

I have hurt him really bad, I know that, but I had to, and I'll have to till he reaches a point that his hatred for me would surpass all that love within him.. It is necessary..

I saw him sitting on the floor, curled up, weeping like a baby, and how much I longed to just take him in my arms, wipe off those pearls falling from his eyes, and lock them right there, so that he never cries again but I stood there watching him cry, a part of mine wanting to go to him while the other half knew it won't be right..

I came back home that night, I looked into Harry's pictures, admiring them for such a long time until Mum called..

"Hey, Honey! How are doing now? Onset of weakness or any sudden unconscious attacks, anymore?", she asked stressed.

"I am fine, Mum.. For now atleast, I guess.. ", I said assuring her..

"I told you to come back home, for a while.. Your health has been deteriorating lately, and you don't seem to even listen", she bursted out on me..

"I am fine, Mum.. We have had this talk before.. You know, I just can't flip out on the band, not now atleast, and Harry too.. He's had a lot because of me.. And I just want to, you know, stay around him.. Atleast see him, once in a while", I said to her, weeping..

"Honey, I know.. I know how you feel hurting him, I know its you who is breaking down as same as Harry.. I told you to tell him",she said, upset.

"Bye, Mum.. I gotta go", and I hung up on her.

And every other conversation with her ends up like this, since quite a while.. I know she's worried and all but I can't just respond to any of her concerns now..

I still remember that night..

I returned from the doctor's clinic but told Harry that the management wanted to see me.. I had been unwell those days, I was coughing out blood, lots of it.. I felt myself weak and tired.. I was completely worn out.. Harry could sense something was wrong but every time I would cut him out saying something or the other, diverting the topic..
But when things went out of my hands,when i saw myself bleeding profusely.. I rushed to the doctor then and there..
The doctor prescribed some tests, and I got them done..
Needless to say, what the doctor feared was a simple throat infection, turned out to be a nightmare..

"Congestive Heart Failure", the doctor said..

I was totally in distress thinking that I was going to die then and there but the doctor assured me that I have a couple of years, maybe five, and life after that would not be something that I would like to imagine..

I didn't know how to react, just five? I have imagined my whole life with Harry and now all that's left to do is Leave?

I knew Harry won't be able to bear the pain, of me leaving him like this.. Now that I had to leave anyways, I decided to break up with him.. I didn't even know how to say anything to him, so I called up Paul (our tour manager) and I told him everything, 'cause I needed to have back up incase Harry called anyone in the management to check up with the story I was going to present to him..

And late that night when I returned home, I went out with the success of what I decided to do..

And what was I even supposed to do, just tell him? Never.. He had a life to live, then.. I couldn't just mess it up, just because I had a few more years of my existence..

I couldn't just see him breaking down while I say that the heart that loves him, isn't strong enough anymore to hold him back.. I couldn't let him die each day, thinking that the one he loves, is counting backwards with a ticking clock..

I have been having my meds since an year and a half, almost like other cases, it's supposed to cure the thing but seems like my body doesn't like the meds and has shown not much of an improvement since then..

I have tried to stay strong, to not let my feelings show, but I just can't help it when Harry is around.. It has been so many days, since I have not touched him, played with his curls, not slept with him, i so loved it when he put his head on my chest, curling up on my side grabbing me tight.. So many days since those moments..

I don't know why but my hand suddenly reached for my phone and I decided to call him up, maybe talk to him for a while..

*Phone Ringing*

"Hey, Hi Louis.. It's two in the morning, why are you calling now? Everything alright?", he asked in his sleepy tone..

He never called me Lou, ever since that day, not even a single time..

"Oh! I am really sorry.. I meant to call Eleanour but dialled your number.. My mistake..Wanted to thank her for such an awesome night together.. Oh, sorry, why am I telling you all this", I said, my head pulled down...

"Listen, Louis.. I know you didn't mean to call Eleanour.. So stop giving me that shit of yours.. Stop trying to make me hate you, I didn't try on loving you, I just did.. Maybe this would also come along naturally.. Unlike you, I don't back out from any relationship just because I am afraid of my feelings and emotions.. You know what, if hating you would make you happy, Guess what?I'll do just what you dont want me to do.. I am going to love you even more..", he shouted out loud on the phone..

And then hung up.. I know, he must be crying again.. And I wasn't there to comfort him..

Maybe someday, when I won't be around here anymore, maybe then he would know, that what I did was right.. For him atleast..

Keeping the biggest truth of my life a secret.. Just to ensure that the person I was in love with, the one I wanted to grow old with, to have a family with, is safe in this world, that he doesn't die each day, seeing me die.. That he lives, just like I wanted him to be...