I Needed You

after

It was temporary.

The smiles you gave, the laughs you exchanged. The way you promised.  It was temporary.

Bliss, but intoxicated, you wake and remember nothing.  The "I loves you" fade from your memory as you open your eyes.

I can't do this anymore. You slip away to love me, but return home to her.

I find it hard to believe the instant shade of feelings, the ombre fade.  The feelings resurface just as I close my eyes to sleep.  Quickly the floodgates are open, I'm crying harder than normal.

I thought you loved me.

I feel like a lonely call, someone for you to have whenever she's not giving her best.

How did I cause such a mess?

Are you scared of your feelings?  Yourself coming about to love me instead of her.

The rock in your chest, is it sinking?

We were never to happen again, I'm confused.

This is just for us, I wish you the best, I do.  Because not only do I love her, I love you.

I'd rather jump from the highest bridge than to be led along and look stupid. More stupid than what I believed to ever happen.

Am I stupid? Am I wrong? What are we?

I've got to know, cause what's an advantage without strings attached? Just using, that's what.

Are you using me? No, don't answer.  I'm sorry I asked.

But the questions will forever haunt my brain.

"What are we?" "What will we? " "Why are you? " "Am I?"

Take what you want, just don't break my heart again.

*  *  *  *  *

"She's gone, are you happy?" Colby's voice boomed through the apartment, snapping me from my thoughts.

I heaved myself off my bed, opening my bedroom to see an enraged Colby staring at me.  With blood on his clothes.

"What did you do?" I gasped a whisper.

"That doesn't matter," He growled, "Taylor is gone now, it's because of you,"

His voice was low, his eyes were cold.  This was not the Colby I knew.  Or the one I loved.

"Colby, why don't you come sit-" I went to reach for his hand, but he snapped it away from me.

"No! Alex, you don't understand!" He waved his arms around, "I want nothing to do with you!  Taylor is in the hospital and she's gone and it's all. YOUR. FAULT." 

Beneath all the anger, I could see the grief and sadness in his eyes and laced in his tone.

Something bad must have really happened for him to be acting like this.

"Watch who you're talking to," I snapped, shaking my finger at him.

"I don't give a shit anymore! I hate you, you know that! I want nothing to do with-" I cut him off by pressing my lips aggressively against his.

I lifted my leg, wrapping it around his as I held his face.  Though he was stressed, his face was still soft.  And, fuck, so were his lips.

How a man could be so perfect but dumb baffles me.

Colby let this go on for only a couple of seconds longer before pushing me away.

"Taylor's dead, don't you get it? You don't have to do this to me anymore!" He tore at his hair, backing away from me.

"What makes you think that I did this to get revenge on Taylor, huh?" I asked, putting on my weight on one of my hips with my arms crossed.

"You told me you would kill her if I didn't do what you wanted! And now she's dead, can't you see that?" Colby threw his arms up in the air.

"She's not dead and we both know that you asshole," I caught him in his lie, giving him a satisfied smirk.

"She basically is, Alex," Colby crossed his arms, "Neither of us are allowed to see her again,"

"Says who? And why would I want to, anyways?" I swiped my tongue over my teeth, mocking his mannerisms.

"Get that smug look off your face before I slap it off you," Colby growled, "I want absolutely nothing to do with you.  You ruined her, ruined us.  And now nobody's happy! Is this what you wanted?"

"I'm rather happy, actually. Ecstatic," I tilted my head at him, "I have you all to myself.  I hated sharing you with her," I said with a pout.

"I want to never fucking see you again," He got in my face, and out of instinct I grabbed his jaw in my hand to stop him from getting any closer.

The words that came out of his mouth next scared me.

"I hate you," He took in a long breath, "I hate you, I hate you, I always have hated you, and I always will.  If I ever see you again, you better pray to God someone is there to hold me back,"

"You don't mean that," I felt my voice crack as I shoved his face away, "You love me!"

"BULlSHIT!"  He roared, "Every time I'm around you I'm panicking because if I were to do something wrong I wondered what would happen to Taylor!"

"That's all it is, huh?" I said with a whisper hinted in my voice, "It's all about her,"

"She is my whole world, Alex.  I wake up in the morning and she's the first thing I see, or I want to see.  My first thoughts are about how I can make her day wonderful.  And then I get a text from you threatening her life.  You know how much that hurts?" He actually sounded close to upset, and I almost believed him.

Colby's voice became full of disgust as he looked my body up and down, "Every time I look at you I see Taylor's dead body lying on the ground.  You don't know me well enough to know that I can't go through that, not again, no."

"But I have, in a way.  She's gone, and it's your fault. Your fucking fault," He turned around, grabbing his keys.

Colby didn't speak until he opened the door again, "And by the way, Angelina will be around to get Taylor's stuff. If I find out you're here when that happens I will find you myself and regret it.  Got it?"

He didn't face me as he spoke, but when I didn't immediately respond he whipped his head around, staring daggers into my eyes.

"I understand," I whispered, nodding my head subtly.

"Good," Colby's face remained expressionless as he stared at me for what felt like forever, then turned around and walked out, shaking his head.

That is not how I wanted this to go.  I wanted to be with him forever, and have him love me one day.

I must have messed up somewhere in my plan.