I Needed You

friendship

Today I was going on Brennen's podcast he had for Youtube. He invited me to be on one through my Instagram dm's, but today was the day we decided to do it.

I was really excited, especially since I haven't seen Brennen in a while and I've never been on a podcast before.

Brennen was one of the many people I didn't really get to know when I was with Colby. I always wanted to, maybe see what he did when he didn't have alcohol in his system or was around Colby and acted crazy.

Sam explained to me that there's just something about the two of them being together that brings out another side of the both of them. That's something I noticed, sure. How Colby had never stopped smiling around Brennen because one or the other had made a perverted joke that they can't seem to get over.

To other people, it was something that was immature and something to roll their eyes at. But to them and anyone really watching, it was a bond that people could only wish for.

"Welcome back to my podcast," Brennen began, talking in a mysterious voice as he leaned into the microphone in front of him, "If you're new here, welcome, hit the subscribe button and comment who you want to see next on Scary Stories. Today, we have someone that has been heavily requested over the past couple of weeks. Would you like to introduce yourself?"

I waved to one of the two cameras in the room, "Hello, I'm Taylor, Taylor Watson if you don't know me,"

"Yes, okay Taylor. Everyone's been wondering about you for a while now," Brennen dived straight into the talk, not wasting any time, "Care to tell them what happened?"

"Oh, um," I cleared my thoat, unsure of how to word things without managing to get sympathy from any of the viewers watching, "I actually got into an accident back in July. I broke my arm," I held up my hand that only got out of a cast a couple days ago, "And I had swelling in my brain, which is why I was in a medically induced coma. But everything's almost back to normal," I smile politely at the camera.

"Are you happy?" Brennen asked out of nowhere, bringing a dark feeling to the round table that separated us.

"What?" I adjusted the headphones on my ears, "Well at the moment things are a little rough but in general sure, I'm happy."

Brennen stared at me over the equipment for a moment, studying my eyes, "No you're not. You're satisfied. You're in control and that's the problem"

"Okay?" I squinted at him, out of pure confusion, "I'm really not following you here"

"I'm saying you're missing something vital in your life," Brennen leaned back in his chair, taking his microphone with him, "And the sad part is you have no idea what i'm talking about,"

"I am happy," I insisted, "I have an incredible life,"

Which was true, I had the baby, Corey and Angelina. The three of them really made my life something special even though they didn't realize it.

"And yet you're alone. I know you've denied yourself the experience because you think it must inevitably end the pain and loneliness. It's

time to let go of the thing that prevents you from finding happiness. You deserve to love someone," He added gently with a smile.

I could tell he was trying to help me, because him of all people know I really haven't socialized since I got out of the hospital.

"You don't wanna know how I feel," I began with uncertainty, "Some people ask you to express your feelings. They don't mean your actual feelings. They mean the feelings that they want you to have. Because people can't deal with dark or scary. Or weird," I said, thinking back to my conversation I had with Corey, "They want you to smile and say "yeah I'm fine, everything is great '' because then they can just go on with their lives and never think about you again,"

"I mean," Brennen tilted his head, leaning forward once again in his chair, seeming intrigued by my words, "Why are you so concerned with getting throught today without a hint of how you'd feel tomorrow?"

"Because I realized I don't want to feel tomorrow," I said with a shrug, "I don't know what's going to happen, all I want and need is just for all the pain to go away. The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them. I feel hopeless, depressed, angry, but most of all I'm scared. Part of me just wants to end it. I feel like I'm going to die, but I want my voice to be heard, too. And that overpowers that depressing feeling I get"

"What do you want me to hear, then?" Brennen raised an eyebrow, something I've noticed he does when he's trying to be serious.

"That I'm upset," I let my hand flop into my lap, " I don't know. I go pretending not to feel but I feel, I feel every and anything okay?"

Brennen's voice turned to something of defense as mine turned to annoyance, "Okay,"

"And it sucks. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing. I don't have feelings at all," I softened my tone just enough so he could hear and understand my sincerity.

"That's not true," He argued calmly, "What about me? And all your friends you made? I mean I get it, it just sucks. But what about us? You must be upset. Are you upset?"

"Yes," I stated with an obvious tone, " Yes I am upset. Yeah. I hate him. I feel like I'm never gonna be happy again,"

"It's gonna be okay," Brennen tried to give me a reassuring smile, but all I could see was the pity in his dark eyes.

"What? It's gonna be okay?" I scoffed, " With everybody gone, I know it will be,"

"But it'll get harder to keep fighting." He concluded, "With nobody around to keep you going. But, if you wanna go, I want you to know it's okay, okay? It's okay. I understand,"

"Thank you Brennen." I leaned to the side of the equipment to give him a heartfelt smile, " And I appreciate you and everything you do for them and for myself,"

"Of course," Brennen gave me a sweet grin, "I have to do what I can for my friends. That's what friendship is about,"

"I wish everyone could agree with you,"