I Needed You

7

“Stop please,” I coughed out a sob, “Make it stop please!”

Alex was there as usual, sitting beside me, “I can’t stop it, only Colby could if he loved you,”

Alex took the tube out of my arm two days ago, and whatever was in that was causing me to go through withdrawal.

I covered my eyes with my hands, holding my head as I laid in a ball on my side, on the same table I have been for who knows how long.

My brain wasn’t as foggy as it had been, though.  I can process things clearer, understand what’s happening better.

Alex told me this was Colby’s fault, and I believed her.  If Colby loved me he’d be here, help me, get me to feel better.

“Can I have something please? Ibuprofen? Advil?” I lifted up my hands to be able to look into hers.

“How about something to distract you from the pain?” She asked, and I knew from the cigarette in her mouth what her intentions were.

“No. Fuck that. Give me something, anything.  Drugs, give me weed.  Oh, shit if only I had weed,” I groaned out, remembering how I had blunts of percocet underneath my bed in LA.  I didn’t even know if we were in LA, but God if only I had the percocet.

My leg was getting better, maybe I was on morphine.  I’ve never necessarily had a withdrawal to know if they were different based on the drug, I could only assume not.

“No bad words,” Alex snapped, and within seconds the cigarette was on the back of my hand, burning into my skin.

It felt like an itch, an itch I couldn’t scratch.  It was a burn that I couldn’t heal, I was given nothing for.  This isn’t the first time, or the last, that she’d burn me.

It’d only stop if Colby came and told her to.  That’s what she told me.

“He knows where you are,” She sang, twisting the cigarette around on my hand, “If he wanted you to be with him, he’d come find you,”

Her words seemed to give me something to focus on as the sizzling on my skin became something I could hear.  It was as if my skin was paper, heating up and igniting.  No, my arm wasn’t on fire but it felt like it.

“Stop it, stop it please,” I sobbed out, between the headache blurring my vision along with the pain hurting me in my leg and hand, I wanted to die.

I never felt like I wanted to die more than I did right now.  I wish I had a knife to stab me in the chest until I had nothing left.  But first, I’d kill Colby for putting me through this.

I don’t know what I did wrong, I thought that we were fine, I thought the two of us had gotten better for a split second.  Maybe it was just temporary, or maybe it was all in my head. 

“Just end it!” I sat up, shouting in her face though she didn’t flinch, “Just stop it! Get him to come here! Please!”

“He hates you!” She stared into my eyes, a hatred that I could only picture in Colby’s when he thought of me.  “HE WANTS YOU HERE. HE HATES YOU. HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU”

“BUT I LOVE YOU SO JUST STOP!” I’ve come to accept that she’s the only one that truly cares for me.  Alex is only doing this because she has to.

“Okay, I’ll stop.  I’m so sorry,” Alex pulled the cigarette away, hooking up the cord into my arm again.  

I watched in satisfaction as she turned the machine back on, letting the clear liquid drip down the tube and into my arm.  She showed me that too much will hurt me, but just enough will heal my leg and every injury Colby forces to bring upon me.

“I’ll leave you alone,” She whispered, patting my uninjured leg as I laid back down, flat on my back this time.

Once the door was shut, I began to cry.  Quietly though, because I didn’t want Alex to hear and become upset.

I didn’t understand why nobody loved me, why they all wanted me to suffer.  

Even Angelina, who abandoned me but we had something special.  Or my family who was upset with me right now.

My father loved me, at least he told me he did.  Then he died.

I’m kind of happy he’s dead, I wouldn’t be able to bear it if he was part of the reason why I was here.  He supported me through so much in my life, and I’m so happy he died when he did.

He isn’t suffering. I’m doing enough of that for the both of us.

I wonder who thought of it, who’s idea it was to put me here.  I left everyone alone, I lived alone for fuck’s sake. I hardly hung around them all that much and then they put me here, with Alex, who is doing all this against her will.

It had to have been Colby who set me up to this, it would only make sense.  He was the one that found me on the beach, the one who insisted that I was to reconnect with him.

I was so stupid for kissing him, the look on his face I couldn’t quite remember but it couldn’t have been good.

The last time I saw him was when he left with Sam.  Maybe Sam was behind it.

But it was kind of odd how Brian showed up and was there.  It was as if he was there to make sure I got here okay, wherever here was.  So maybe Brian was behind it.

According to Alex, Colby was the one behind it.  Colby was the reason I was here, Colby could get me out.  Everything made sense if Colby was the mastermind behind the plan.

It was so odd to me how at one point we were in love.  Now I only loved Alex.  I wasn’t in love with her, but I loved her.  It was like a sister bond.  Like we were the only two people.

I still didn’t know where we were, the walls were plain with no windows.  There was no outside noise to give me a hint as to where we were. 

I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to hurt Alex’s feelings.  She seemed so sensitive now and I didn’t want to upset her, because then Colby would get upset and then I’d get cigarette marks.  

They seemed to leave permanent marks.  I had at least ten now, and the first one still hurt.   None of them stopped burning, and I had them all over my arms and one on my shoulder. 

I wish Colby would get me out.

And then I’d treat him exactly how he treated me.