I Needed You

loner

"Is this a good idea?" I whisper as Corey slides his door open, letting me into his room.

"Don't worry about it," He shrugged, speaking in a tone just louder than mine, "We're friends, we're allowed to hang out,"

"Yeah," I admitted with a shrug, "You would have some explaining to do if Colby walked in here and saw me with you. Plus it would be awkward as fuck,"

"Let's worry about that if it happens," Corey plopped down on his bed, and I heistantly perched on the edge of it, resting my hands in my lap.

"How's living with Angelina?" Corey changed the subject, causing me to hide my face in my hands, hiding my smile, "What, did I say something wrong?"

"Can I tell you something?" I asked, lifting my head up and looking at him.

"Of course, we're friends, that's what we do," His smile brightened as I prepared myself to open up to him.

"I love her," I blurted out, pausing to see his reaction.

"Are you sure about love?" I nodded to reassure his doubts in my exaggerated choice of words, "Does she know?" Corey's smile lingered, but his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Yeah, I told her and she kissed me. On the lips," Even though this was a big deal, it was relieving to tell someone besides the notes app on my phone.

"So," He began, staring at the ceiling before he spoke once more, "Does that make you bisexual?"

"I-i," I froze, crossing my legs in front of me, "I guess so. Are you angry?"

I chewed my lip as I anticipated his response. Though I felt an attraction for him, my pull for Angelina was greater. It intensified severely since I got home from the hospital.

"Are you happy?" Corey asked, running his fingers through his dark hair.

"Yeah," My voice broke unintentionally, "But I don't think it'll turn into anything, you know? I feel like no matter what I do I will always love Colby, or at least a part of me will. And every day I have to wake up and look in the mirror and see that I'm carrying his child. I know it won't last, no matter how much I want it to. But my heart's confused and I know it. I just don't know how to take in and process the concept of love again,"

"Do you ever feel like there's not a person in the world that loves you?" Corey squinted as he asked me such a question, "Do you wish that life was different?"

"I think that love isn't meant for everybody, and I might be tied into that category," I shuffled, scooting closer to him but letting him have his personal space, "I find the right clothes to wear and put on the right mask and everyone sees this brave fearless girl. It compels them. And they think maybe if I did my eyes like this or that I could be one small step closer to who I want to be and a little less than who the world expects me to be,"

"I get that entirely," Corey gave me a half smile, "You know when everything was over with Devyn and I, I realized I needed this time to be myself. And I'm really glad I did. Just how you feel about Colby I feel about her. It'll never change, it might fade to the back of my mind but that feeling is still there. That I was once loved, right? But it's not the same anymore, and I've come to terms with that. I hope you do too, one day, maybe even for a minute or a day, but all the same: Believe in the hope you had in your relationship,"

I took in his words for a moment, repeating them in my mind. Katrina briefly filled me in on Corey and Devyn's relationship, but I didn't think about how I could eventually relate to it as much as I do now, "When I was with Colby, I was worried I wouldn't be enough for him. That's what I'm afraid of now, at least. Not being enough. Not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough-"

"Why don't you ever open up about those things?" Corey layed back on his bed, tucking his hands behind his head as he kept his eyes on me.

"I just got tired of talking about it," I shrugged, "I got tired of sleeping fifteen hours a day. And I got tired of running into old friends and seeing the polite grin on their faces because they didn't know what to say or how to say it. Nobody saw me. Nobody looked me in the eye," I fumbled with my hands as I smiled at my pitiful thoughts.

"You can talk to me anytime you need to," Corey smiled, "I love talking to you, I always have and I always will, I think. There's something about talking to you that makes me appreciate life just a little bit more,"

"Aww," I smiled at him, nudging his shoulder with my hand, "You don't have to say that,"

"But I mean it. And I want to be perfectly honest with you, Taylor," He swallowed, glancing up at me.

I felt the nerves bubble up in my stomach as he sat up, getting serious.

"I need something to be good. I need something to feel right. I'll never be good enough for you. I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in. You're the perfect girl with flaws that only add to that beauty. I'm the damaged loner, the outsider from the wrong side of the tracks," He said with only the slightest trace of a smile.

I sucked in a breath as I took in how close we were to each other, and acknowledged the confidence growing inside of me.

I grabbed his face in my hands, both of us with a nervous smile on our faces. I leaned into him, gently pressing my lips against his.

"I hope you know you don't have to be a loner. I'm here now," I said with a smile.

It was the grin he gave me before he pulled me back into him that gave me reassurance that I was doing something right for once. My feelings for Angelina were thrown out the window, just like that.

But she didn't matter, Corey did.