Renegade

Chapter 27

Napuyat ako sa paggawa ng outline ng thesis ko kagabi pero maaga pa rin akong nagising ngayong araw. Excited akong naligo at nagbihis.

I was so excited because Alex invited me in his dorm today. Since pareho kami ng thesis adviser, he offered me to check my outline at ipapa-check niya rin daw 'yung sa kaniya sa akin. Akala ko nga iyon lang ang pakay niya pero kalaunan sinabi niya sa akin na dahilan lang daw iyon para makasama niya ako.

Kinilig ako.

Yup. Kahit alam kong may Garnet, tinatablan ako sa mga pagano'n ni Alex. But this time, hindi ko hahayaang pairalin lang ang kilig ko.

I will make Alex fall in love with me... For real. Just like what I planned. Then, I will leave him after making sure that he will not love any other woman but me.

And I am way confident now- to myself and to my beauty.

It's been two days since I paid Hector for his service and after we did it- the way I viewed myself actually changed. Mas naging confident ako lalo na kapag naalala ko kung gaano umungol si Hector dahil sa akin.

I stood in front of my full length mirror while staring at myself, wearing a fitted white shirt and a pair of dark brown pleated shorts. I smiled at myself while putting my hair in a tight bun. Hindi ako mahilig magsuot ng shorts kapag aalis ng bahay kasi nga wala namang akong ipagmamalaking mahahabang biyas at saka feeling ko lalo akong nagmumukhang bata kapag naka-shorts.

But for the first time in my life, I was looking at myself in front of the mirror as a mature and adult woman that I am.

Iyon ang nakikita ko ngayon sa harap ng salamin. Hindi ko nakikita ang mga insecurities ko 'tulad noon. Instead, I am seeing the woman who did it with Hector. Ganito siguro iyong pakiramdam ng mga babae kapag may experience ka na. Ikaw na mismo iyong nagle-label sa sarili mo na maganda ka kasi may isang lalaking pinagpala 'yung bawat parte ng katawan mo. Hindi ka na mako-conscious na wala kang appeal o kaya hindi maganda ang katawan mo kasi nga nakuha mo na 'yung validation sa isang lalaki.

Some people might say you're beautiful and you don't need to know that from a man. But that's pure hypocrisy. Iba ang pakiramdam ng babae kapag may lalaking nagsabi sa 'yo na maganda ka. Iba ang pakiramdam kapag maganda ka sa mata ng ibang tao at hindi lang sa perspektibo mo.

And I can attest to that.

I feel different and more confident about myself. And Hector made me feel this because of how he took me that night. He literally praised every part of my small figure.

I bit my bottom lip when my cheeks flustered. From thinking about Alex, I instantly shifted to Hector.

"Puro ka Hector," I scolded my reflection in the mirror. "Maghintay ka ng weekend, bruha ka," naiiling kong dagdag bago tuluyang humagikgik.

Nababaliw na ako. I am now talking to myself. But really, I am excited for weekend. That's my first lesson with Hector- "Argh! Hector na naman, Clarisse!"

Binatukan ko ang sarili ko. What Hector and I have is pure contractual! I should really stop thinking about him when it's not necessary.

Pero nang akmang kukunin ko na ang handbag ko, natigilan ako sa maliit na flashdrive sa ibabaw ng study table ko. Heat and tingles ran down my spine when my brain flashed some hot scenes from my first ever sex video.

Huminga ako nang malalim nang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Hindi ko sigurado kung ilang beses ko nang pinanood ang video namin ni Hector. I just found myself getting turned on on watching it. I literally pleased myself on my own for the past nights through that video. Thinking about it now felt so embarrassing. "Diyos ko, Clarisse. Malala ka na." Hindi ko akalain na ganito ako kahilig. I took the flashdrive and apologetically talked to it, "I'm sorry kung nakita mo lahat ng kalibugan ko."