Renegade

Chapter 49

“Thank you, Ma,” bulong ko kay Mama bago pumalibot ang kanang braso ko sa bewang niya. “Thank you, Pa.” Isinandal ko sa balikat ni Papa ang ulo bago kaming tatlo humarap sa tagakuha ng litrato.

The ten-second moment on the stage, wearing toga and with a medal around my neck, with my parents, concluded how I managed to stand up after a big storm in my life.

“Thank you din, anak,” my mother whispered back before I felt a gentle kiss on my temple from my father. “Proud kami sa ‘yo.”

“Good luck on your speech, anak.”

Tumango ako sa sinabi ni Papa bago kumaway sa kanila ni Mama. Bumalik sila sa kanilang upuan habang ako ay bumalik din sa akin. After the distribution of the medals, I will have to give my speech as an outstanding student of my college.

Napahawak ako sa suot kong medalya kasabay ng panggigilid ng luha ko. I could not help but to remember everything.

Three years ago, I thought it would be the end of me. Hindi ko naisip na dadating ang araw na ‘to pagkatapos ng mga nangyari.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumayo sa kinauupuan ko nang tawagin na ang pangalan ko makalipas ang ilang minuto. I put the widest smile on my lips as I walked towards the stage with my head held high.

Bago ako makapunta sa podium, kumaway ako kila Mama at saka nag-finger heart sa lalaking ibinalik ang tiwala ko sa pagmamahal at sa buhay.

“I am the girl who went viral,” panimula ko sa aking speech bago mahigpit ang naging paghawak sa microphone sa harapan ko.

Tumahimik ang buong venue ng graduation dahil sa sinabi ko. I felt heavy gazes from those who knew what I was referring to and I felt confusion from those who didn't knew.

Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko habang mahigpit ang hawak sa mikropono na nasa harapan ko.

“Nung pumasok ako sa university na ‘to, isang taon pagkatapos ng scandal video na dinala ako at ang pamilya ko sa kahihiyan, may ilan na nakakilala sa akin dahil sa video na iyon. Hiyang-hiya ako at hindi ko magawang iangat ang tingin ko mula sa lupa.” I sighed, realizing that it was really a rough start... To reclaim my life... And myself.

Glimpse of those harsh and suffocating moments came back. Mga nandidiring tingin. Mga bulungan na puno ng panghuhusga. At pagtitiis sa hindi matapos-tapos na insulto.

“Gaya ng palaging sinasabi ng mga nakatatanda, ang simula ang pinakamahirap gawin. Kasi hindi ka sanay o kaya’y wala kang alam. And when that video went viral, I was just twenty. Hindi ko alam ang sunod na gagawin. O dapat bang may gawin ako?”

They said twenties is supposed to be about enthusiam, carefree way of living, and the exact time you had to explore your youth. Marami ang magsasabi na pagpasok ng edad mo sa twenties, you will have the best time of your life.

I really thought it would be like that.

“Okay ang lahat sa buhay ko until I decided to ruin it because of my risky decisions and unworthy calls. I admit that. More than anyone, I reflected and realized, it was my fault. Not entirely but most of it.” I chuckled feeling at ease that they were listening to me.

Nasundan ng mahinang tawanan ang mahina kong hagikgik. And then, a soft clap followed which made my smile wider.

“You see. I was twenty and I committed a very grave sin to my family, to my morals, and most importantly to myself. I beat myself because of that. Kaya naging sobrang hirap makapagsimula ulit. Kasi ako mismo iyong unang nandiri sa sarili ko. Ako iyong unang nagalit sa sarili ko. At ako iyong unang tumalikod sa sarili ko. I needed a year off from school to attend therapies and fix myself. And mostly, to regain my individuality that I lost.”