Beyond the Fence

Decisions

"She must have enjoyed the stories," I thought, "was she joking about really wanting to have a sex dungeon?"

I was quite sure she would elaborate at a later time about her comments. I did want her honest opinion about the stories and looked forward to having a conversation about my writing. I never knew if I took that story too far, added too many sex scenes, describe the actions in too much detail, or did not explain what I was thinking clearly enough to the reader.

The bad thing with self-critique, well, that bad thing with me and self-critique is, that I allow doubt to enter my thoughts easily. The doubts hit me hard as I sat at my laptop. I had doubts about my writing, stories, thoughts, the direction in life, relationships, should I continue to pursue Chrissy, should I encourage her to find someone younger, should I have ever expressed my interest in Chrissy, and why have I allowed myself to start to fall in love?

I didn't journal any of my doubts. They were doubts and not bad dreams, however, they began to infiltrate my deeper thoughts and began to obtain firm handholds in me.

I didn't deserve Chrissy. I couldn't even take care of my own wife. Why would I even think I could find happiness with someone else when the potential of losing her would be even higher than the murder of my wife.

Chrissy was young, beautiful, sexy, and beginning a new life as a vet. She deserved someone younger than me, someone, that was able to give her kids. For me to think she would want me after the newness of her sexual awareness wore off was foolishness. How many stories would I need to write in order to keep her excited about being with me? Yes, I include a lot of my thoughts, desires, and personality in the stories I write, but, she could find someone that could give her all of that and be much younger.

I knew I was entering a dark place. I knew I had the ability to keep myself away from entering the door of depression. I knew better than to allow myself to embrace the negativity. However, I sat on my lanai with open arms and hugged the bad thoughts tightly. I was hurting myself and I knew better.

Tears did not flow from my eyes. Instead, the tears remained inside. I was drowning myself in my own sorrow, self-pity, and depression. A deluge of doubt was wanting to be my bed partner and I had pulled down the sheets, fluffed the pillow, and pat the bed next to me.

I slowly stood, leaving my laptop on the patio table, walked inside, and walked into my bedroom. Decisions had to be made and I didn't want to make them. Circumstances would develop out of my decisions and I would have to live with them for the rest of my life. The circumstances, decisions, and directions of choice had the potential to affect Chrissy and the direction of her life too.

Without undressing, I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling. I skipped the scheduled dose of my muscle relaxer and pain pill for the simple fact that I wanted to feel the pain. I deserved to feel the pain. I didn't save my wife. I encouraged a young and innocent lady to explore and play sexually. I thought I could love and be loved again. I knew better than to think I deserved to be happy.

I had to encourage Chrissy to find someone else. I had to convince her that I was wrong for her and she deserved to be with someone younger. She needed to be with someone that could make her happy, give her a family, and not fail at protecting her.

The tears began to run down the side of my face and I couldn't stop them. I felt the rivulets of shame wet my pillow. The deep sobs of suffering reverberated in my chest as the realization that I would once again be alone entered my mind. With each sob, I could feel the bruises burn, each tear took another bit of happiness out of me.

Sounds of wailing and agony ripped my throat as I vocalized my anguish. I was nothing, I was a pig, I couldn't save my wife, I took a young lady's innocence, I could not protect, I was nothing.

The pains of my injuries paled to the pain in my heart.

It was going to be better for Chrissy in the long run. She didn't need someone like me in her life. She needed someone that was strong and courageous and didn't need someone that was a crybaby who hid in his bedroom feeling sorry for himself. She needed a companion, partner, someone that would stand strong next to her, and someone that would strive to be as strong as she has been.

My body hurt and my heart hurt. I was emotionally torturing myself and I felt like I deserved worse. To be so lucky to have two beautiful women in my life was more than I deserved. Cassy would never be replaced, that would have been disrespectful to Cassy and Chrissy. Chrissy was never to replace Cassy, she was her own person and I had fallen in love with her and who she was. But, I didn't deserve her and she didn't need to be stuck with me.

I fell asleep with the most difficult decision I would have ever had to make in my life weighing me down in the deep end of a pool.

"Pig, loser."

"Pig lover. You should have never even talked to her."

"Fat pig as she is and just like my wife and the wife I took away from you. Fat pigs, all of them."

"They all set me up, wanted to ruin me. I took them away from you. You can't have the new swine either. She deserves a young guy, a good-looking guy, not a crybaby that can't even protect a woman. You are weak. Crybaby."

"Cry for me, you little baby."

"Crybaby, little baby."

"Little baby."

"Baby."

"Baby, please."

"Please, baby. Wake up."

"Lee," I heard faintly, "Baby, please wake up."

I opened my eyes and saw a teary-eyed Chrissy looking down at me. She was gently wiping my cheeks as she called to me.

"Oh, Lee," she sobbed, "Honey, are you okay?"

"I'm, okay," I finally said, "why are you crying?"

"Because you were sobbing, Lee," she sniffled, "you were crying, sobbing, and screaming. You kept saying things like, she's not a pig and she's beautiful."

"Oh," I replied, "Sorry. I'm okay, just a bad dream."

I slowly turned to my side, hung my feet off of the bed, and stood up. Without another word, I walked to the kitchen and sat at the table. Chrissy sat in the chair next to me and reached for my hand. Anticipating her movement, I lifted my hands to my face and began to rub my eyes.

"What's wrong, Lee," she said softly, "did I do something wrong?"

"No," I said, "You haven't done anything wrong. I have."

"What do you mean," she asked, "What on earth do you think you have done wrong?"

"We have built the relationship we have on honesty," I said, "right?"

She nodded her head, folded her hands, and began to bounce her legs.

"I have been totally honest with you," I began, "I am being honest with you now. I think you need to stop seeing me and find someone else. Someone that is younger, able to protect you, and will be able to give you a family. I couldn't even protect my wife and obviously, I am a weak crybaby. So, it would be best for you to go ahead and find someone that will be a better companion for you."

She stood up without looking at me, pushed in her chair, and walked out of the patio door.