Beyond the Fence

Agony and Pain

I was looking at a strong woman. She stood in the doorway with one hand resting on the door frame and the other hand resting on the handle. The sun was behind her and yet her profile was not a silhouette. Her presence was brighter than the sun, illuminating the kitchen and my heart.

"I love you, Chrissy," I choked out, "I love you so much and want you in my life. Please forgive me."

She stepped into the kitchen, slowly closed the door, walked to me, and knelt in front of me.

"I love you too, Lee," she said as she held my hands again, "tell me why I am forgiving you. Why am I forgiving you, Lee? If we are going to last and be together, I want to make sure our honesty with one another continues and we are not using hallow words. I'm not going to say I forgive you and mean it unless you tell me."

"Forgive me for trying to push you away," I sniffled, "I tried to push you away. I began to feel sorry for myself and tried to make everything about me. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

"I forgive you, Lee," she said softly, after raising my hands to her lips and kissing them, "we are going to be okay, Lee. You need to remember, that you may be able to save people's lives while you are at the firehouse. You may be a superhuman and do great things when you sacrifice yourself for others. You have always lived your life taking care of others. But, I need you to take care of yourself. I need that, Lee. You took such good care of Cassy. Then something, someone totally out of your control took her away from you. You have control over this and you can't let that same man take you too. I want you in my life and I need you to take care of yourself. Now, tell me that you love me again. I have wanted to say, 'You know,' and hear you say, 'I do' after reading your story. But, now, I want to hear the words from your lips again."

"I love you, Chrissy," I said, "I have loved you before we touched. I love you so much."

"Good," she said as she stood, "I love you too, Lee. You have a choice now. You can either sit outside and enjoy the sunset or lay in your bed until I come back over."

"I want to sit outside," I said as I slowly stood, "Thank you for loving me."

She gently wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. We stood in the kitchen, crying and hugging, as we felt our lives weave together even tighter than before.

The next night, Sarah brought over dinner and we sat outside and enjoyed the meal. I had to take myself into, what I call, firefighter mode in order to control my emotions.

Firefighter mode is my way of disconnecting myself emotionally from a situation I am in. I am able to keep myself from reacting to a situation out of an emotional response, however, I can be in the scene and respond with a controlled and helpful demeanor. This technique of self-preservation is used by many of us that are in the fire department, police department, health professionals, military, and others that deal with human trauma on a consistent basis.

I had to switch to firefighter mode because I wanted to cry. Seeing Chrissy, her mom, and her sister sitting with me and eating dinner made me feel like I had a family. To sit with a group of people and share a meal brings them closer together. They were close to me, and that was when I decided I was going to talk to Sarah and ask for her permission to marry Chrissy. I had two concerns about my talking to Sarah about marrying her daughter. The first concern was, that I wondered if she could keep the secret, and secondly, when would I be able to talk to her alone without Lisa asking a lot of questions.

I was surprised when Lisa decided she wanted Chrissy to help her with starting her shower. She bantered with Lisa about how she was old enough to take care of her shower and how she didn't need any help. I saw this as a perfect opportunity and encouraged her to go help.

"If I had a sibling," I had said, "I would want to spend as much time with them as I could. Especially if they asked me to help them with something."

Chrissy rolled her eyes, kissed me, and gently shoved and punched Lisa in the arm as they exited the gate.

"I hoped you would ask," Sarah had said after I asked her for her daughter's hand in marriage. We discussed a few logistics of how I would ask Chrissy to marry me then I asked her if she knew what size of ring Chrissy wore.

"No," she answered with a smile, "But I can get a ring she wears on her ring finger and give it to you. It is one of her prized possessions and she only wears it on special occasions. Her dad had given it to her and it fits her finger perfectly."

I knew what ring she was talking about and I felt myself tearing up. She wore the ring every time she would spend the night with me. That ring, the one she only wore on special occasions, was on her finger as we began to explore one another's pleasures.

After 2 1/2 weeks of Chrissy, Sarah, and even Lisa pampering me ad nauseam, I was ready to return to work. I had been working on improving my range of motion while inside the pool and even bought a set of dumbbell pool weights. The older I get the less I criticize or critique things that don't make sense to me.

For example: How can styrofoam, cut into the shape of dumbbells, that float, and weigh ounces, be considered weights? How can something used by a group of geriatric people, standing waist-high in a pool, swinging their arms around while holding the aforementioned dumbbells be of any use to me?

The answers: Water resistance, consistency, and determination. I learned, very quickly, that older people know what they are doing. They get together, hang with friends in a pool, talk about everything under the sun, exercise so they keep their muscles from atrophying, and enjoy life.

The pain and agony of working through my injuries spurred me to get back to work. I missed working with my crew and needed to heal so I could be a companion to Chrissy and not a burden. She had chastised me every time I made a comment to her about me being a burden.

"You are not allowed to think that way," she would say, "I am not going to lose you to self-pity, Lee. So, stop it and let us help you."

The pain and agony I had from my injuries were small compared to the pain and agony I felt when I decided to lie to Chrissy.