To those who need to remember longer than they knew. Have felt so much but known so little. And those who never got to say goodbye or said it without knowing it meant forever.
------------------------
My thoughts are an undiscovered constellation. Hidden to the world but visible to the universe.
Everyone is oblivious, fooled by impression. But the black hole inside of me is consuming my mind and body. It takes in everything, goes through all my struggles, notices every little aspect and it definitely does not allow anything to escape.
Anxiety is one hell of a problem. Its when the butterflies in your stomach turn into bees. My mind is damaged . At first, it was as simple as a thought and sweaty palms. The feeling of panic never leaves and It's currently eating me alive. I'm drowning in the depth of my thoughts and I dont think i'll ever reach the surface.
She is everywhere, in my heart, in my mind. She never leaves and I'm not sure I want her to. She was our everything, all we had in this cruel world to look up to but now we only have each other. That should be enough but it hurts.
I found her to be the only light in this hell hole. A consolation , a reminder that not all is so horrible, and although I've never minded the dark I just want her back . As a dream or a shadow anything just as long she is with us again. Because now shes gone the darkness has welcomed me again. And I seem to confide in it, with the wish of meeting her again in that empty void after death and before the light
When I was younger, I feared the dark. Now I'm older I just want to escape the light. I used to look in my eyes and see my own reflection but now I see hers. It chokes me , suffocates me. They say there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, Bargaining, depression and acceptance. But I don't believe I will be able to accept her fate.
She didn't chose to live this life. She never had a choice. She deserved better. But the world is cruel and seems to strip all the good in your life away. And the people who go through the most pain are dangerous , they can make hell feel like home, But hell has always been my home. And there is no leaving.
so here I am. Sitting with our memories. Watching the art she loved so dearly unravel into stories. Not of places and people and things but of moments and feelings and thoughts. My life is displayed on this canvas . Its abstract as is my mind. Its not something to understand . It something to feel. And that is something I havent been able to do for a long time now. Thats how I earned my name, my place, My title that's feared. But in this second in this moment I feel and thats rare.
Pink. Something small but so significant scattered across the canvas. Azalea. My light , my life, my peace is gone but still here. Not for long.
I raise from my seat on the ground wishing to be able to stay. But I can't.
Yet goodbye has always left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm never going to see her, hear her voice , be comforted by her touch. I never got say I love her one last time. After this she would have ceased to exist. I want to tell myself a good lie, that its not real. This isn't real. But now she will join the stars in the sky and I will miss her even more on the cloudy nights.
I love her
and I don't want to forget her, please
please...
The hollowness in my chest deepened as I arrived. My consciousness leaving me as I exit the car and see who I love most layed down. A maze of mourning all in black. I look down at her limp body and leave the covered canvas . Don't leave
You promised. You promised ME forever
She broke the constellation
Our constellation
The ground covers her and the flowers are placed down. Azaleas.
Flowers have always looked good on her.
seconds become minutes, minutes become hours , sitting here myself and all I have left is this trace of her, my loving mother. Dion's sobs fill the open space. And now he is all that fills up the open void left in my heart. I had all of her but now I am left with none of her. Even the brightest of stars will disappear.
But what a weakness it is to completely expose yourself, show yourself so purely and whole to someone. only she knew of my weaknesses. She was the one who could read me like an open book even if my pages were scribbled over.
___________
So thats it. Chapter one
I didn't ever even think I would be doing this and I still currently have no idea what I'm doing .I hope this chapter was good and you enjoyed it. Special thank you to my best friend(A&E) for literally supporting me and inspiring me!
Love you all thank you!
word count: 846
YOU ARE READING
Broken Constellation
Romance"blood on your hands they say- as though it stops there ; at your wrists, like a glove as though you could do all of this and there couldn't be a part of you that isn't stained or dripping" They say the loveliest angels make the cruelest demons an...
