When the night turns darker with each passing day and your thoughts are taking over, it feels like slowly drowning.
Drowning in emotions,
Drowning in pain,
Drowning without feeling anything at all at a point.
To toss away everything.
Tossing away friendships, because you know that you aren't able to maintain them.
To provoke a fight, to lose the person closest to you and your real thoughts.
I find no chaos in peace,
But peace in chaos.
I know nothing beside going through hell and feeling nothing.
Being happy is something I cannot stand without knowing it will turn bad eventually.
So I do not attend partys,
So I do not attend graduation ceremonies,
So I do push people away,
So I hurt people on purpose to be alone.
Nobody should grow up in pain, in despair, in constant verbal abuse, in constant fights to voice yourself and your feelings.
But what one got is their worth being kicked with feet and valued on looks and achievements.
To some people I am just not worthy enough because I am overweight.
My personality is not seen.
I am seen for what I eat, I am seen for how fat I look inside a dress.
In his eyes I am not the right size,
In his eyes I am just a smalltalk topic to others.
In his eyes I need to starve to fit in
In his eyes I am a burden
In his eyes I am faking every pain, every cut, every symptom of unwell- being.
The time I spent here, every second longer, kills me, does take my breath and my will to live away
Tears cannot be count up to how much I shed since I am back in hell.
I have to smile, I have to smile.
I have to pretend to be fine in a way that I am not.
I have to endure the verbal torture,
I have to endure my fear for eating.
I have to endure being my body not my soul.
If I could go, I would go.
If I could run, I would run
But there is no place that I can call my own,
No place where I am not reminded of the memories, of the actions, of the pain I put on others, not me being a complete chaos.
There will be no place to escape my mind.
No escape to the hurt I inflicted on others.
No physical pain will match this pain inside.
No tears will be enough for my soul to form a rainbow.
There will be no one in the end of the day.
It will only be me, my pillow and my tears.
I pray for every person that they be happy.
I take every burden of hurt with me to my dreams.
Take every emotion: hate, despise, sadness
So please let me be at fault for everything.
I should have known sooner that I am the problem and that my soul is just for show.
What matters in the end is my body and a good paying job.
No happiness, no true smile at all
