Different Shades of Pink and Green/ matchablossom 🍵🌸

Happiness

Warning: there is slight mention of suicide.

He was always there
When I needed saving
And I wasn't.
Can I hold on?
He is just human, after all.

Cherry's pov:

It felt like history was repeating itself, over and over. Stuck in an endless loop, there was no escape. I was in the same position that I was in, 8 years ago: helpless, alone and broken.

Why would Ko stay with a person like me?
Why did he even want to be my friend?

I never learnt to run after someone, to hold on to them... even when they leave a million of times and come back. I was always told that I was annoying, so I figured that it was better to shut up. To keep my thoughts to myself because I didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I couldn't bare the idea of people hating me, especially the ones I care about the most. So, whenever someone asked me for space, I would grant their wish without considering what I really wanted.

I never asked myself what I want or what I like. If I wanted to do something, I would just do it alone. This way, no one will get bothered and annoyed.

Whatever people wanted
I provided

The way you think is wrong!

I know.

Stop giving too much for people.

I know.

They don't deserve your kindness.

I know.

Be selfish!

Fuck being selfish... I tried it once and I was seen as a bad guy. I was 'too much to handle' and that I was too toxic for them. So, they left.

Just like now...

I was sitting on my bedroom floor, staring at nothing like I did 8 years ago. The bathroom door was open and calling for me, but I wanted to be stronger. I didn't want to lose to vulnerability and let myself fall in the same path... like I did 8 years ago. My feelings to Ko were stronger than ever. I knew how he felt, even if sometimes I felt like everything was a dream. But at least I had something to go back to. I couldn't end things like this. I hurt him.

A bottle of wine keeping me company for the past days. I didn't even know what day it was. I took a leave from work and... from life. I was too ashamed to face anyone. What did the kids think of me... damn it! What if I ruined more than I knew of... what if he couldn't deal with my behavior and thoughts anymore. For 8 years, he been keeping up with all my bullshit. The way how I get easily anxious, how I push him away or how I keep thinking of the worst.

The sun had set already. It was just me and the night. "Why can't I just be normal and happy..." I whispered to it. At least the darkness of the sky was always there to listen to me when I needed someone. This darkness that resembled me in all it shades.

I couldn't remember the last time I showered. I probably stink by now. I felt shitty and disgusting. My hair had lost its softness and my skin felt itchy. I hated it.

For the past days all I could think of was of the memories I built. The good and the bad ones. All of them playing in my head like a never-ending movie. I was so curious of the end that was very unknown and out of my reach.

"I am no good..." I sighed.

Minutes felt like forever. With Ko time past as if it was in fast forward. Too fast to hold on to anything yet the feeling felt euphoric. Unreal but it was the closest to happiness I had ever experienced. Maybe that was what people called fraction of happiness...