I looked out from the dug-out towards the small corridor leading to the court. I see the blinding lights and hear the cheers of the crowd. Swinging my arms around me, I jump and run around, anything to distract me. Anything to calm my nerves for this championship.
I bring my hands in front of me and inspect my hands which have been heavily bandaged due to my injury. It scares me, the fact that I know I'm still not 100% healed. The fact that I'm just a rookie playing the biggest game of my career so far. The fact that we need to defend our crown. Too much pressure. I sighed deeply as I closed my eyes.
"Hey" I heard someone called behind me
Turning around, I broke into a smile as I walked closer to her.
She raised up to touch my shoulders and shook me a little, causing me to laugh.
"Don't worry too much, you can do this" she smiled up at me and I melt with the truth I see in her eyes.
"This is big Ji! I'm scared.. Well, add to this" I said waiving my hands in front of her which looked like marshmallows with how much tape was wrapped around it.
She tried to stop her laughter to show me she's serious, but she ended up laughing anyway. She took one step closer to me and touched my arm, "Bei, as corny as it sounds, remember, heart strong? As long as your heart is in the right place, all of those things won't matter."
I turn teary eyed with her words and I pulled her into a hug. It's amazing how our heights fit perfectly with each other, that her arms wrap around my waist and her head falls in my chest. I close my eyes as I kiss the top of her head, hugging her tighter to me. We stayed like this for a few moments, to calm us down before we barge into the frenzy awaiting us in the court, into the fate waiting for us in this championship.
"Jia.." someone called out, breaking us from our reverie.
"Ate Ly wanted to talk to you"
I opened my eyes as I found Maddie standing across from us, staring at our intertwined bodies. I separated from Jia and she gave me a playful punch to my chin, "enough drama, let's win today" she smiled and then walked back to the lockers to find Ly.
"Hey" I called out to Maddie as she turned around to follow Jia without approaching me. "Where do you think you're going gorgeous?"
She turned around to face me, and I could see a darkness in her eyes. I walked up to her and tried to hugged her, but there was a resistance on her part. Holding her hand, I pulled her to sit on one of the benches.
"What's bothering you?" I asked as I stroked her hair before kissing her forehead. I felt her shiver as she moved in closer to rest her head on mine.
"What was that?" She asked
"What?"
"Bei, please?" She looked up at me and I kissed her nose to make her smile, but this didn't have any effect on her. I placed my arm on her shoulder to pull her tighter to me.
"Just some good luck vibes for the game"
She put her eyes down and stared at our entwined hands. I knew that there was a small part of her that still doubted my love for her, and that hurts her. And I hate myself for hurting her.
"I love you Madz, please trust me when I say that."
"Bei, you know I love you. But if you still love Jia, then please tell me honestly so that I can let you go before I fall in love with you any deeper."
Bring her hand to my lips, I kissed it softly, before leaning towards her and kissing her temple.
"You're the one I choose to be with" I smiled at her and gave her a quick kiss in the lips.
"Come on, game day" I said, pulling her up with me and encasing her in a hug. "Every point that I make today will be for you. 1 point equals 1 kiss later?"
She laughed heartily and pulled me into a kiss. "Haha, you're such a dork"
"That's why you love me!!!" I stole a quick kiss on her lips before running away
----------
"Jia"
"Hmm?" I turned around, snapping out of a daze that I didn't know I was in. Watching Bea declare her love for Maddie, when that should've been me. If only I were brave enough, if only it wasn't so difficult to be true to who you are. If only falling in love didn't have to be about one's gender or one's choices, but just IS. Love is love--period, no buts, no ifs, no reasons or justifications.
He stood closer to me as he clasped our hands and I couldn't help but notice how my hands fit in his. His hands are so big and rough, and my hands get lost in his, rather than fitting into his like a well-paired puzzle.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
I shake my head and force a little smile as I move to hug him. He's actually of average height but as I am also tall, my head falls awkwardly on his shoulders rather than on his chest.
"Stop comparing Jia" I silently berated myself. Isn't this the choice that you made to hide your secrets? You've made your choice and Bea had already found the love that she deserves in someone else's arm.
Someone who can fight for her. Someone who can proudly love her, not inspite of, but despite of. Things you couldn't do for her.
Maybe the best choice that you made in loving her, is letting her go. Setting her free.
I feel the tears coming as I see Bea and Maddie from my peripheral, Bea hugging her from the back, her one arm possessively slung over Maddie's chest, as the other played circles on her waist.
"Why are you crying" he turned me around in his arms to hold my face in his hands, urging me to open my eyes which I kept tight shut.
I shook my head, refusing to open my eyes. I chose to settle in the darkness of this alternate universe, rather than see the truth of the choices I made.
