I got my towel and placed it over my head as I sat down on the bench. Panting and heaving, I'm totally spent after our 3 hour training. All of my muscles are sore and I had to drag my bag from across me as I had no strength to even lift it an inch.
I checked my phone for any messages I may have missed--
2 messages from mom wishing me goodluck in training
some bible quotes from dad
A photo message from Mitch on her trip to disneyland
Scan scan scan.. Telemarketing stuff.. Others offering pre-selling condos...
I silently cussed before throwing my phone inside my bag and harshly closed it. Holding my head in my hands, I squared my elbows on my knees, as I gritted my teeth with anger.
"What's up with you?" Bea said sitting beside me and pushing me to the edge of the bench. I pushed her shoulder in retaliation as I fought to regain my space.
"Nothing" I lashed out, and I folded my arms over my knees and slumped my head on top of it.
Bea scooted closer to me and shook me, forcing me to talk to her. "Come on, tell me.." She kept shaking me and I kept swatting her hand for her stop, but she continued, until I was laughing so hard.
"There all better" she said, stopping her previous conduct. "Now, tell me, what's wrong Jia? Hep... And don't tell me nothing coz I saw the way you just chucked your phone inside your bag."
I rolled my eyes at her. Knowing that she would not let this conversation go, I sighed in resignation as I hooked my arm with hers, resting my chin on her shoulder. She kissed my forehead as I instinctively closed my eyes.
"Miguel still hasn't called or texted me, it's been a week that he's gone."
"Maybe he's just busy.."
"Or maybe he's just a jerk.."
"Hey! Don't say that.."
"Aren't you supposed to be on my side? Aren't you supposed to say that he's a good for nothing a-hole who is not worth my time and tears.."
"I don't believe he's that bad.."
"And what made you say that?"
"I mean, you chose him over me, right? So he can't be that bad."
"Come on Bei" I immediately turned to face her as I held her face in my hands "you know that's not the case.."
"No, it's ok Ji. We've talked about that already, no hard feelings" she took my hands in hers as she kissed my palm
"Seriously, thank you for letting me go coz you gave me the chance to find love with Maddie"
I wiped the tears from my eyes. Her words slice thru me like a dagger, reminding me of how stupid I was to let her go.
"Bei, do you believe me when I say that I really love you?"
"I do. But let's save ourselves from the hardships, maybe it is really better for us to be just friends."
"I love you Bei, sorry if I still do. Sorry if I still tell you that, even if I know I shouldn't. Trust me I'm doing everything to stop, but I guess there's no formula to unloving someone"
She hugged me and I cried harder. "Maybe someday we'll understand why letting go was the best decision we've ever made."
How can she be this kind to me when I know I broke her heart? She's such a good person, and it damn kills me that I can't be with her.
Can't or won't? My mind taunted me.
Can't is when something is impossible, that no amount of effort would make it happen. Won't is if it can exist, but only you are stopping yourself from taking the challenge, just because you're too afraid to risk it all.
Kissing the top of my head, she ruffled my hair. "Maybe this is better, at least I get to keep you in my life, even just as your friend."
I could see that she was trying to stop herself from crying, but the joker that she always is, she tried masking this with her laughter. "Come on, too much drama... Ewwww" she pretended to writhe in disgust. "Let's just go to the mall?" She held her hand out to me and I ran to hug her. "Wait.. Just let me" I closed my eyes as I savored this moment of being held in her arms.
----------
"Ji, what do you think of this?" She called out to me as she held up a blouse. I walked close to her and offered to her my mocha frappe, and she titled her head to drink from my straw, before waving the blouse in front of me.
"Too girly for you.." I raised my eyebrows in question, knowing that this is not her usual style.
"It's not for me dummy, it's for Madz" she placed the blouse in front of her and checked how it looked on her, twirling around in front of the mirror.
I tried to stiffle my laughter as the off shoulder 3/4 blouse is definitely "not her". She's more of the plaid long sleeves or the polo shirt type of girl. I held on to my tummy as I blurted out laughing.
"Not helping Ji! Come on, you need to help me find a gift for her."
"Why? Her birthday is not until November?.."
"It's for our first monthsary tomorrow."
"Ohhh..." I sipped my coffee.. Anything to excuse my silence.
"Sucks that we're not together on our first, but I plan to send her a package" she seemed too excited about her plan. "So, what do you think?"
"I think, she'll like it better if you make something, rather than buy something. Like a video or something."
"That's brilliant!" She kissed me on the cheek, "you'll help me, right besty?"
"... Of course..." I said meekly.
--------
I took out my SLR camera and set it up on tripod as Bea prepared to give her message to Maddie. I stood behind the camera directly in front of her as she sat on the bed.
"Ready Bei, look straight into the camera" I pointed at her "3, 2, 1..."
"Hi Babe! Happy first monthsary! I feel like the luckiest person because you chose to love me. Sometimes I still wonder what good I have done in this world to deserve your love. You love me unconditionally, despite my weird moments, my tantrums, my temper, even my moodswings. I wish I can give you back all the love you've given me. And I wish I can be that person that gives you the reason to smile every single day. I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And I know this is just the first of many firsts with you. Love you babe"
I wipe my tears discretely, as I hide behind the camera so that she can't see my tears. "Ok that's good.." i said turning around to avoid looking at her, as I continuously wipe my tears, but they didn't let up.
"I just need to get something outside ok" I said rushing to avoid her gaze as I ran out of our room. Rounding the corner, I stopped as I held on to the wall, trying to steady myself as I felt my world turning around me.
Damn, why can't these tears stop! I clutched my heart as I surrendered to my sobs. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to stop hurting...
