Something Gained

Chapter Sixty-Nine

A car Daniel had here had been parked outside the hotel, enabling him to travel between the hotel and McLaren. Of course the car was a McLaren. He opened the door for me, and I slid into the car, pulling my thick coat around me as the cold air chilled me. He closed the door and walked round the front of the car to his side. He had a dark hoodie on from his clothing range, a baseball cap pulled low on his head, dark jeans and trainers. He got into the car and started the engine.
"We'll go to a shop first" he said. I nodded, I wanted to get some cleaning supplies as well, I knew it would be fairly unkept and that thought alone filled me with further sadness. I would give anything to have one more dinner with them, one more conversation. To hear them laugh, to see if they were proud of me. I had tried to block them out so much to be able to heal and I knew it wasn't healthy but that's who I was now, a shadow of a once happy girl with two parents. Of course I was happy with my life currently, the people I had around me, more so a family than work colleagues. I was grateful for Hannah, Daniel, Lando, Michael, Liam and Jon, all my closest friends. But everytime something good happened, I wanted to share with my mum and dad, and it made me sad that I would never be able to do that. I was completely lost in my thoughts I didn't see us arrive at a local supermarket.

We pulled up to the cemetery where the graves of my parents where. Daniel switched off the engine and I could feel myself panicking, I felt sick. My breathing became rapid and Daniel grabbed my hand, rubbing circles with his thumb over the top of my hand.
"Alex?" I couldn't respond. I was trying to calm myself and I couldn't. "Alex, just breathe okay. I'm here, I'm right with you every step of the way, I'm right here. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you. We will only get out the car when you're ready" Daniel spoke in a soothing tone, I was still panicking but having him speak like that made me calmer, his words having an instant effect. I nodded slowly, he put his arm around me and pulled me as close as he could get me in the car, his hand rubbing my back.
"I can't help it, it just comes over me, I'm sorry" I managed to splutter out. I hated being so vulnerable
"You don't need to apologise, it isn't your fault, sshh" he continued. Daniel was my safety blanket, I was so reliant on him in this moment
"How can I deal with a race weekend every week but can't deal with this?" I cried
"Because this is your parents, this is a traumatic event. It doesn't make you weak, it's okay. You're allowed to feel like this you have every right to. But I'm right here with you. Every single day, every hour, night and day" he said. My breathing returned to normal, I still felt sick but less so. "It's also okay to cry" he said, I looked up at him pulling my head away from his shoulder, his thumb brushed away the rogue tears on my cheeks.
"I'm not the perfect pristine girlfriend for Daniel Ricciardo" I said sniffling
"You are perfect Alex, to me you are perfect in every single way. Whether you're dressed up with a full face of makeup, half asleep in joggers or throwing up in a toilet because you're hungover. You'll always be perfect to me" he said. I smiled at him. I didn't think it was possible to fall more in love with the man infront of me. You fall in love in mysterious ways, it's all part of a plan, and you don't just fall in love once, you fall in love every single day, everytime you look into their eyes, everytime they smile, everytime they look at you, you fall in love. I was so in love with Daniel. I always wanted a love like my parents, to love and be loved how they were, and I've found it in him. I wish they could meet him, I knew they would be so happy. The fact he was here with me now, visiting my parents with me, supporting me, calming me down, it meant to world to me.
"I love you Ricciardo" I said as I looked into his brown eyes
"I love you Walker" he replied which made me laugh through my tears
"I'm ready" I squeaked out. He nodded and stepped out of the car and come round to my side to open my door. He took my hand again and helped me out before pulling me into a proper cuddle, I buried my face in his chest and smelt his cologne straight away, I loved it. He was everything to me. He took the bag from my hands and I picked up the flowers I had, he kept hold of my hand and let me lead the way.
The walk to my parents grave was the same route I've taken a thousand times, the same one I wish I never had to take. I don't think you ever get over the death of someone, it never got easier and you never forgot. Daniel walked with me, the silence surrounded us. The only noise was from our footsteps, our breathing and the birds chirping in the trees. Peace washed over me. A robin fluttered down and stood on the bench ahead of us, two robins. Two robins sat watching me as we walked towards it. I smiled. When a robin is near, loved ones are there. My mum and dad. I could feel them with me. I approached their grave, it was dishevelled, but it needed a little love. I knelt down in front of the grave, Daniel standing behind me. I took my cloth and rubbed the grave stone making my parents names clearer, I knelt back onto my heels and sighed.

"Hi mum, dad. I miss you. Happy birthday daddy" I whispered. Daniel placed his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and his eyes were sad, watery even. "What's the matter?" I asked, my voice quiet.
"I wish I could of met them, to thank them for having such an amazing daughter. Without them, I wouldn't be loved the way I am" he whispered, I stood up and it was my turn to wipe tears away from him. I pressed a soft kiss on his lips before stepping back again. "I'll go and get some water" he said. I nodded and pointed him in the direction of the chapel where a tap was.
"That's Daniel. Daniel Ricciardo dad, can you believe it. An actual formula one driver! He's my boyfriend. I still love my job, Lando is still looking out for me, I've really settled in this year. Daniel is amazing. I went to Australia and met his parents. Mum you would have got on with Grace so well, she's the Australian version of you. I wish I could see you, I miss you so so much. I'm so happy mumma, I wish I could tell you everything and you see me so happy. I still have the panic attacks, less so now, but they're still there. I miss you guys. I love you both so much" I sat rambling to my parents, I always did this when I came here, I talked to them and had like a catch up on my life, it made me half better, as if they could actually hear me and I was having an actual conversation with me. I didn't hear Daniel come back until he knelt down next to me.
"I love that you speak to them like that, they'll always be with you Alex, and always watching you" Daniel said to me as he pulled me into him and cuddled me.
"I know, I always wish I had them here and that's where I get so panicky. Because I can't seem to move on"
"You never truly move on from something like that, it's okay. We'll just come here more often, whenever we can" he said, I nuzzled into his neck.
"Thank you for being with me"
"Always. I was thinking of asking you but I don't know what you'll want to do. Do you want to come to Australia with me for the winter break. My parents want to see you again, my mum doesn't stop talking about you" Daniel asked
"I would love to, I do need to go home first"
"What if we went back to LA for a week or something, and then onto Australia?" He said
"That sounds good" I said to him. "I feel like I never spend time at home anymore"
"I have three houses and I feel like I'm never in any of them" he said. "One day, when I'm done, we will stay in one place for a bit longer than a few weeks"
"I like that, we" I said smiling
"Well of course, I'm not going to be without you" he said.

I got up after a while and put the fresh flowers on the graveside and cleaned up the rest. We sat for a little longer before it started getting dark. We headed back to the hotel and got some dinner before getting some sleep.