Long Away

Chapter 15

Ben spent more time working in the kitchen than he really needed to. The food didn't take that long to make, but he didn't want to have to go into Roger's room again so soon. Doing the dishes would at least give him a little more time to mentally prepare. And maybe, if he waited long enough, Roger would fall asleep again. Then he could just sneak in a bowl of soup and get out before he woke up, so he wouldn't have to talk to him again. Ben realized his thoughts weren't making the most sense. He just felt like no matter what he did, it would end up hurting Roger, and that was the last thing he wanted. Before he knew it he was done drying off the last cutting board. Everything else was already neatly put away in its place. There was nothing left to do, no more excuses. Reluctantly, Ben filled a bowl with the vegetable soup he had made and went to knock on Roger's door.

"Come in." Ben pushed the door open. Roger was sitting up straight now, but judging by the expression on his face, he wasn't feeling any better. When Ben put the bowl on his nightstand, Roger grabbed his hand.
"Can you stay here for a second?", he asked. Ben hesitated.
"You're acting a bit off, is something wrong?", Roger went on. He slightly tilted his head, concern was written on his face. Ben opened his mouth to make an excuse, but then he changed his mind. He had to get this over with already. He sighed, letting himself sink down on the bed next to Roger.

"I've been thinking," he began. He stared at the floor. The words didn't want to come out of his mouth. It didn't help that Roger was still holding his hand and looking at him in anticipation.
"About what?", Roger asked quietly. His voice still sounded sore. Ben swallowed.
"I think... I... I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" Ben drew in a sharp breath.
"I think it might be better if we stopped dating." He didn't dare to look up at Roger.
"But... Why all of a sudden?" Ben tried to ignore the hurt tone in his voice.
"You're better off without me," he said.
"Ben. Please look at me." He slowly lifted his head. Roger sternly looked at him.
"You're talking nonsense. Why would I be better off without someone as caring and sweet as you?"
"I can't give you the life you deserve."
"What are you talking about?" Roger sounded genuinely confused.
"Isn't that obvious?", Ben sighed.

"I'm a man. We can't get married or have kids. And even if it's way too early to think about these things anyway, we will never have that option."
"Well, you're right about one thing," Roger said, "it is way too early to think about this."
"But you have to at least think about whether you someday want that with anyone, not just me specifically," Ben insisted.
"Is it important to you to have kids?", Roger asked. Ben shook his head.
"No."
"And who says it is to me?"
"You don't want kids?" Ben knew that he did. Otherwise he wouldn't have had five. Roger shrugged.
"If I was with a woman, I wouldn't be opposed to it. But I'm not, and I really don't care all that much." His words did little to reassure Ben. Roger just didn't know what he was going to miss out on, but of course Ben couldn't tell him. Or could he? No, not yet. He had to find another way to convince him. As much as he wished it wouldn't work, it was better that way.

"And what about all the homophobia? Are you really willing to put up with that?"
"It's not nice, but I can handle it. And it's not like it won't affect me if I just don't date guys."
"No, but if people find out about us-"
"Is that such a big concern for you?", Roger interrupted him.
"Well, no, but-"
"Then why do you think it would be for me?" Ben was running out of arguments.
"You also said that you prefer women," he pointed out. Roger rolled his eyes.
"Well, I don't prefer anyone over you, silly. I like you, and I told you that. But you couldn't even say it back earlier." His voice cracked, and to Ben's surprise, he began to tear up.
"If you're gonna dump me, at least be honest and say that it's because you don't want me."

"I..." Ben's throat caught.
"I can't. Because it's not true."
"Then stop saying we shouldn't be together," Roger pleaded.
"I know what's best for me. And I'm not going to stop dating men just because you think I should. If it's not going to be you, it'll just be some other guy, is that really better?" Ben shook his head.
"No. Of course not." He felt conflicted. This did not at all go as planned. Maybe his presence had already changed too much. Maybe it was too late for Roger to go back to his previous path in life. Ben watched as he wiped the tears from his face. It was then that he realized something. Maybe it didn't matter. If he just tried his hardest to make Roger happy, perhaps that would be enough.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I was so scared of hurting you, and ended up doing just that. I don't know what I was thinking. I was dumb. I'm really sorry."
"Just tell me you're not gonna leave me?", Roger asked.
"I won't." A heavy weight lifted off Ben's chest when he said that. Roger let himself sink back into his pillows. The troubled expression on his face softened.
"Good." With their argument settled, Roger finally grabbed the bowl of soup.
"Thanks for this, by the way," he said.
"No problem," Ben assured him.
"Oh, and Rog?"
"Yeah?" They locked eyes.
"I like you too," Ben said softly.

***
Hey guys! Happy Pride Month!
I hope this chapter was satisfactory for the first one in gay season lmao
Let me know what you thought, and I'll see you next time!

Tay