Long Away

Chapter 61

The next day Gwil was driving everyone down to the Taylor family's residence. As usual, their Queen playlist with over ten hours of playtime was on, but this time it did nothing to lift Joe's spirits. With a large bouquet of flowers in his lap, Joe was sitting next to Gwil, staring blankly out the window.
"You doing okay back there, Rams?" Gwil eyed their friend in the rearview mirror.
"Yeah. Sure." It didn't sound very convincing.

Unsure of what to bring, they had gone with every option for a host gift they could think of. Now Rami was in the backseat, desperately trying to hold on to five different boxes of chocolates and other sweets, a pack of scented candles and a large bottle of the most expensive wine the store had to offer. On the seat next to him was a cake Gwil had made himself.

"You know, I'm sure we could put most of that in the trunk...", Gwil began.
Rami vehemently shook his head.
"I don't want anything to get smashed."
"Come on, I'm not that bad of a driver, am I?" Gwil pretended to pout.
"Hey, back me up, Joe."
Joe hummed something that was supposed to sound like agreement, but came out a barely audible noise. In the reflection of the window he could see Gwil eyeing him with concern. It was clear he didn't know what to say. All day he had been trying to cheer him up, but at this point Joe was too exhausted to even pretend he was fine. He just hoped he would be able to keep it together for the duration of their visit.

Before Joe knew it, the ride came to an end. He could have used some more time to mentally prepare. While Gwil parked his car, a woman Joe recognized as Roger's wife Sarina, came out of the house to greet them. Joe had only spoken to her one time after wrapping on Bohemian Rhapsody. He forced himself to return her smile, and got out of the car short after Gwil and Rami did.
"Sarina! It's good to see you!" Gwil gave her a brief hug.
"Gwil, Rami, Joe! We're so happy to have you here! Roger is waiting inside, Brian is already here as well. And oh, did you bring all this for us?"
Her eyes widened when she saw all the gifts Rami was holding.

"Yes, we did. Hello Sarina! Would you mind..." He was visibly struggling not to drop anything.
"Oh! Of course." Sarina grabbed half of the boxes.
"That's so kind of you, you shouldn't have..."
"I'm starting to think so too." Rami laughed, shaking his head.
"I'm just kidding."
Gwil grabbed the cake from the backseat before locking his car.
Sarina repeated Rami's gesture.
"Oh my, we are being spoiled today. Come in, I'll see if I can find a vase for these flowers."

The three men followed her inside. Just a few weeks ago Joe would have been more than impressed by the luxurious home. Now he couldn't care less. With a smile, Sarina took the bouquet from him and disappeared into the kitchen.
"Roger dear! Our guests have arrived."
Joe could hear two familiar voices from another room. Roger and Brian paused their conversation and came to say hello.

Joe didn't know what he had expected, but he was almost surprised to see Roger looking like his old self. Nothing hinted at the disease he was battling, but Joe knew this was not necessarily a reflection of how he felt. Still, his face lit up when he saw the three, and Brian, who was following short after him, smiled as well.
"Hello boys! Thank you for coming. Did you have a good ride? Was the traffic okay?"
Gwil nodded reassuringly.
"Yes, it was all just fine. We're happy to be here!"
"I'm glad to hear it. Why don't you come sit down with us? Dinner is almost ready."

During the dinner, Joe tried not to draw any attention to himself. He left most of the talking to the others, just gave a brief answer here and there. It didn't take long for him to feel somewhat overwhelmed. Maybe it would have been better for him to cancel.
When everyone had finished eating, Rami went into the kitchen with Sarina to help her take care of the dishes and cut the cake.
Brian, who had his eyes on Joe for some time now, took the opportunity.
"Joe, could I talk to you about something in private for a minute?"
Oh no. Had Brian noticed something? Was Joe really getting that bad at hiding how he felt? Maybe he should think about his career choices again.
"Um... Sure?"
Brian turned to Roger.
"Is it alright if we go out on the patio for a few minutes?"
"But of course. Just don't expect us to save any of that cake for you." Roger laughed. Smiling, Brian rolled his eyes.
"Alright then," he chuckled.

Hesitantly, Joe followed Brian out onto the patio. The older man leaned against the wooden frame, looking out onto the garden. Joe stood with his hands in his pockets, cleared his throat.
"So... What did you want to talk about?"
Brian let his gaze wander, collected his thoughts before responding.
"These are tough times. Aren't they?"
Ah, so it was exactly what Joe had expected. Great.
"That's a bit of an understatement." Joe let out a sad laugh. Brian turned to him with a serious expression on his face.

"You know that I have experienced depression," he began.
"Even before Freddie passed, but right after, it was probably the worst I ever felt. Everything seemed meaningless. I didn't even want to be happy anymore."
Joe suppressed a sigh.
"Brian... Where are you going with this?"
"The question is, where are you letting this go? I don't mean this in a judgemental way, but I can see just by looking at you that you haven't been taking great care of yourself recently. Joe, you've gotten so skinny... And even today you barely got any food down."

Joe swallowed.
"Please don't worry about me. It's not that serious." His voice wasn't more than a whisper.
Brian raised his eyebrows.
"Oh but it looks like it is. Tell me, what are you going to do now?"
"What do you mean?", Joe asked, more to save himself time. It didn't matter what he meant, Joe had no answer to this question in any case.
"I mean you can't very well live in Gwilym's guestroom forever. Or did I miss something?"
"Oh. No? I... I guess I haven't thought about that at all."
It was a great question. What was he going to do? He didn't want to go back to the United States while Ben was still in a coma. But of course Brian was right, he couldn't continue being a burden on his friend.

"I guess I could maybe look for an apartment around here," he said after a while.
Brian nodded.
"It's good to have a perspective. Even if the reason for your move isn't a happy one. But this does require you to work on your mental health. Can you do that?"
Joe shrugged. He genuinely didn't know what to say. How could he possibly get better while Ben wasn't? The thought alone felt like he was betraying him. Was it even right of him to try?
"Joe? Can you promise me not to do anything drastic?"
There was genuine worry in Brian's voice. Joe let out a defeated sigh.
"Alright. I promise. And Brian-", he added, realizing he wasn't showing the appropriate gratitude for his concern.
"thanks for looking out for me."
Brian put a hand on his shoulder.
"You're welcome. Now, let's get back inside. I'm not so sure Rog was joking just now." He laughed, and Joe caught himself showing his first genuine smile of the day.

The evening came to an end, and everyone said their good-byes. Joe had to admit to himself that he had enjoyed it a little, against his expectations. Still, he was more easily fatigued than usual, and decided to try getting some sleep in the car. As they got into the vehicle, Joe noticed that Rami was holding a white envelope.
"What do you have there?", he asked, turning in his seat to get a closer look.
"Roger wrote a few lines for Ben. In case... you know. If they don't get to speak to each other again."
"Oh."

The two looked at each other with sorrow in their eyes. But in that moment, Joe came to a realization. The whole time he had been wondering what Ben would think if he could see him, thinking about him as if he was already gone and never would find out. But what if he woke up again, only to be told that Joe couldn't cope with potentially losing him? That he had taken his life because of him? No. He couldn't do that to Ben. When Brian had asked him not to, Joe wasn't sure if his answer was completely honest. But now he knew. He had to get through this for Ben.