Long Away

Chapter 37

That night, Ben spent many hours crying instead of sleeping. It could have gone worse, he tried to tell himself. It could have gone worse. But it could also get worse from here. At six in the morning, he gave up on trying to sleep. Quietly, he snuck into the bathroom. The face in the mirror was a mess. He washed away the salty stains of his tears and combed through his hair. It didn't help to make him look more put together. He needed to take his mind off of what had happened. That thought was enough to make him tear up again. With a glass of water he grabbed from the kitchen, he headed out into the garden. Maybe the fresh air would help.

For a few minutes, Ben watched the birds bickering in the trees. Then he heard footsteps inside. He turned around, just in time to see Roger opening the back door. He too looked like he had gotten little rest. There were dark bags under his eyes, and he hadn't fixed his hair yet. Without a word, he sat down next to Ben. Hesitantly, Ben cleared his dry throat.
"Morning," he said quietly. Roger still didn't look at him when he answered.
"Morning."
Ben took a deep breath, trying to hold back another gush of tears.
"Are you still mad at me?", he asked, not certain if he really wanted to hear the answer.

Finally, Roger turned to face him.
"I don't know. I am disappointed. Maybe I should be mad too. But the problem is, I get it. I understand why you didn't tell me. So I can't be mad at you. Even though you really should have told me. And I don't know what else you would hide from me. You've been lying to me ever since I met you. I don't know how much I can trust you anymore."
"I am sorry," Ben croaked. "I really am. I promise you, I would never hide anything else from you. I hated every time I had to make up a lie to cover up what really happened with me. I never wanted to lie to you, I just really didn't know what else to do."

"And the next time you don't know what else to do? How do I know nothing like that will happen again? How do you know?", Roger asked challengingly.
"I don't," Ben admitted.
"But what I do know now is that nothing is worth lying to you. I never wanted to hurt you, darling. I promise, I will be completely honest from now on. Can you forgive me?"
Roger sighed.
"I want to forgive you. Just... don't make me regret this."
"I won't. I promise," Ben said sincerely.
"I guess I will see how much that is worth."
Roger's words stung. Ben silently watched as he walked back inside.

Later that day they had band practice. The party Freddie's aquaintance was having was on the following weekend, and they needed to prepare for it. Until they had to leave, Roger had barely shared a word with Ben. Now that they were on their way, Roger was walking several meters behind him. He hated himself more and more for what he had done, the pain he had caused his boyfriend. He knew there was no way to really make up for it, but he wanted to at least do something.

John and Freddie were already at the studio. They looked concerned when they realized Ben was alone.
"Hey darling. Where's Roger?", Freddie asked.
"He'll be here in a minute. Just didn't want to walk with me," Ben explained with a sad smile.
"So he hasn't calmed down since last night?", John inquired.
"Yes, he has. But he's still hurt. Which I understand." Ben looked out the door to make sure Roger wasn't going to hear what he had to say next. He was still all the way at the other end of the street.

"I may have an idea how I can apologize to him. But I am going to need your help with that," he said.
"What is it, dear?"
"I want to write a song for him. For real this time. Not one that you wrote, but one of my own. Something to really show him how much he means to me. But I'm not good at this at all. I tried to write a few songs already. I wasn't getting anywhere with it. Could you give me a little assistance please?"

Freddie nodded excitedly.
"Of course. Just make some notes of what you want to tell him and I'll help you turn them into lyrics."
"Thanks, Fred."
"I don't know if I can be of any help, but that sounds like a nice idea," John said.
"Oh, you are better at song writing than you think," Ben told him. John made a skeptical face.
"If you say so."

Ben turned around at the sound of the door opening. Roger walked in, his head held low.
"Hello," he mumbled.
"Hi Rog," John greeted him cheerfully. Freddie was less excited to see him.
"Hi," he said in a cold tone.
Roger looked at him, uneasy written on his face.
"Fred... I'm sorry about what I said. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess my mind immediately jumped to the worst possibility I could think of. I should have known better. I'm sorry."

Ben didn't quite know how to feel about the fact that Roger apologized to Freddie about his accusation, but not him. With the way he acted it became increasingly hard to believe that he wasn't mad.
"Apology accepted," Freddie said, and pulled Roger in for a brotherly hug.
"But next time, talk to us before drawing conclusions."
Roger gave Ben a fleeting glance.
"Hopefully there won't be a next time."

***

Hey guys! No terrible drama this time, but don't worry, it'll be back soon enough. I can't wait to share next week's chapters with you! Until then,

Tay