My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

4/25/15 • Do You Understand?

I'm sitting here on my messy bed, covered in instruments and music and books alike, and I'm thinking. I'm listening to new music finding new peace in beats of songs I never knew and I'm thinking. Over thinking things most likely, but I'm thinking.

I'm thinking about my friends. I'm thinking about school. I'm thinking about him. I'm thinking about her. Im thinking about relationships... and about how I'm too damn unstable to hold one well just yet.

"I, am a constantly changing constellation of lost stars. I used to be a galaxy, until a black hole formed in my center and slowly began sucking in parts of me. Until I'm only scattered pieces of what I was and a collection of stay stars. Every day is a bit different, though usually at the end of the day I'm worn down and sad, a shell of a person.

I cannot have feelings for anyone right now. It is literally impossible because they are fleeting and whimsical and only harmful to myself and then the other person. And memories are painful, no matter what side they originate from."

People keep asking for stability from the parts of me that are broken and breaking. My mind is a mess of lost times and things unsaid, things I should have said. It's full of dark cess pools and ways to smile again, it's full of poisons and it holds my cures.

My heart is in shambles, piecing together and being held by flimsy tape. It lost something it thought of as another of its own and it's hurting and trying to fill a void that I fear will never be filled. It is looking for anyone to show it affection and it won't care who it is, but it's feelings won't be real. My heart only wants to be blanketed in that warm feelings again, it doesn't care who it's from.

My heart is like a play boy, only using those who crosses its path until they are worthless.

Why can't anyone understand this? I keep saying I can't, but when will you hear me? I don't want to hurt you. If I try and have anything with you now it won't be real and it will hurt me because I'll know it's not. Why can't you get that? It will only end with broken hearts singing another chorus of painful cries.

I don't want that.

•*•*•

There are memories, everywhere. My thoughts cannot move an inch without thinking of him. In almost everything something reminds me of the time between June 16th and February 3rd.

Fourth of July.

Halloween.

Block party.

Skype calls.

Skype messages.

Facebook conversations.

Christmas.

The Rocket's soccer game.

Just visiting to visit.

The last time he ever came to see me.
The last time I kissed him.

The pep game.
The last hug I would ever give him which was too fast and not felt enough.

These are all burned into my memory. And it hurts to say it, but no matter how much I hate him... I miss him. No matter what I do I miss him terribly. Every other feeling of affection is fleeting except this one damn feeling.

I hate him. But I can't stop missing him. I've given up on everything, I don't even care if he feels remorse or cares. I don't wish the same pain on him, I'm just focusing on getting rid of my own.

I want to be told by people that it's okay that I will take time to get better. That they know I'm trying. That they will understand that when I'm in a bad mood or spacey or stand offish it's because I'm in a lot of pain, and I need space and time to recover.

But that's selfish of me, isn't it? To ask for them to understand. To long for them to see and understand something that I've been trying to explain for so long. So few give me the kind words and understanding and comfort I need. Be it fifteen words on a screen or a god damn hug that's light and gentle. But its alright that only a few can do this. It only takes one person to make you smile.

Maybe what I really, really need, is for my friends to understand this. Maybe that is the simple and small thing I really want them to get.

"I finally understand I won't be good at relationships with other people; until I am good in a relationship with myself."
-marina v., I can't feel your kisses, if I don't feel my own skin.