My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

5/12/15 • Heavy

The worst kind of feeling is the one you get when you realize,

You've been replaced.

You no longer hold any purpose to someone and when you strived and struggled and fought for so long to be exactly what they needed, only to be replaced by someone better. It's one of our fears, as a person. That the person we try so hard to impress, to help, to be loved by, doesn't see you as you see them. You're just another stepping stone to someone better.

You would think after years of this situation on replay for me I would be used to it. Countless "friends" who became friends with people in higher places and forgot me when I'd gone out of my way for them. Yes, I'm talking to you Maddie, Emma, Marisa, Jasmine, Abby C, DeAnna, Madison, Carissa, Bri, and everyone else I didn't even mention.

Better yet, I couldn't even keep a guy around. I was replaced so quickly it could have won the Daytona. Stab, broken up with. Slap, kissing another girl. Shove, telling her you loved her. Snap, going out with someone you denied having feelings for. Bang, looking happy when you left me broken. I never mattered. I was just a game.

After so many times, so many replacements, it makes me weary. How many of my friends would replace me, if they got the chance? A chance for someone better in every way. It's a sick feeling in my stomach, the one I get when I think about this. Deep down I know some who slowly are pushing me out, the process already beginning. I'm fighting a losing battle all the time.

Hell, it woke me up in a panic at 2am, it was 4:30 and I still couldn't sleep. When I did fall asleep I got a measly hour of sleep; my head pounded all day relentlessly. I thought of it off and on all day, pretending to scoff at it. The thing that rekindled the hurt. The thing that reminded me that I mean absolutely nothing to someone I care too much for.

"I lost myself trying to be someone you wanted."

It's a heavy feeling, it really is. But it's not heavy just because it's sad, it's heavy because I've realized it's okay that I haven't completely moved on. I did nothing wrong, and everyone who ever left me made their choice to loose someone great. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have pangs of bad memories and aches of past feelings that will never rise to the surface as long as I live-but I've realized that better people are waiting.

Waiting for the day to meet someone just like me, and they will treat me like more than just a star or moon in the sky. They will treat me like I'm their universe. Our bonds will be good and bad and everything in between but we will never abandon each other. Those are real friendships, real relationships. I even have some now, but I know that with my age I'm going to make new friends and go to new places and find people who see their universe in me.

That reality, it's heavy. And one day, those who lost me will realize what mistake they made. And they're gonna hurt, hurt like I did over them. But when they are aching to call me or text me I'll answer them back with my usual demeanor, making them realize I don't need them to feel that way anymore. I have realized it's not me but them.

I'm gaining my confidence back. I'm actually finding that other people see me in a way that my friends and that one guy never could. I mean something to people, I honestly do. And even as I have this depressive heavy weight on my chest I'm starting to soar again. I'm reaching new heights, going down new paths. I've rekindled my sense of adventure, excitement and willingness too move freely with others.

I'm ready to try and be the best friend I can for everyone.

And I'm going to fall in love again.