My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

6/3/15 • Tired

This girl, me, is very tired. Not physically, just mentally. My soul itself is just weak and tired and in desperate need of some of its old childish vigor back. I feel sort of like the tenth doctor, happy and sarcastic and quite eccentric on the outside... But on the inside I'm hurting with all of this cold pain building up and I want to express every emotion within me but I know I can't for the sake of those around me.

Not to mention I've been antisocial and not by choice, I mean I started summer hoping to have a blast. That included my friends. Guess I forgot that would mean they would have to include me too. It's only a few weeks in so I shouldn't worry too much but part of me is just starting to wither and die, the part that held excitement for summer. What the hell is fun about scrolling through Facebook seeing all the things you didn't get to do because no one thought to invite you?

What gave me the greatest omen yesterday was waking up and feeling the void. You know, that one. That lil' fucker who keeps sucking away all my happiness. Yeah, that came back good and strong yesterday, of all days. I didn't even get out of bed until ten which is bad for me to do on routine. It throws my body out of schedule and I feel like hell.

Oh, and what's even better? I was watching Fairy Tail yesterday and I just burst into tears. Yup, just started crying. Uncontrollably sobbing over nothing. Why? I haven't the slightest clue. Well, I do but you wouldn't take well to hearing it. I just looked at my Naruto wall scroll and I sobbed to him, "Can you please take me to your world? I'd much rather die a shinobi than live here." And I don't often talk to my posters and wall scrolls but when I do... well it depends.

Yesterday reminded me that I really am just a fucking option.

And that I am never going to shake this heartbreak I feel completely. It's funny, I confused a lesson for a soul mate. I'm paying for it big, and life loves shoving it in my face. I made a huge mistake and I'll never get a second chance, not once. Not that I would even have to worry about that.

There are so many things I just can't say because people won't understand it. Take the hole in my chest that prevents me from feeling properly. This fear now placed in my head that if I do fall in love again, that hard and that deep, I'm gonna get broken again. And if I got broken like that again I probably wouldn't be around anymore. Not mentally anyway.

People make me these promises about not leaving my side no matter what. But I was made those same promises and now I'm here thinking about a future that no longer exists, plans out the window and dreams only to be used...in the very books I call refuge.

What's even sadder is my favorite song right now is "Can't Help Falling In Love" by Elvis Presley. Well the cover that Twenty One Pilots made.

"Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things were meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things were meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you
'But I can't help falling in love with you"

Look it up on YouTube, if you feel like it. I can't attach it because it won't playback. Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Maybe I'll feel better today.