My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

4/23/15 • Explained

Every morning I wake up feeling numb.

I sit up in bed, check Wattpad and maybe Instagram, and then I get ready for school. Sometimes when I get to band I'm irritated by idiots in band or just by people in general. Sometimes I'm completely normal, and depending on the days hyper and even happy.

I then go to classes and sometimes do work or I talk to people and try to ignore this empty hole in my chest slowly beginning to make its presence known by aching faintly. I make it to Spanish and by then I'm already tired and feeling the full effects of the gaping hole.

I get to lunch and for a minuscule amount of time I can rant freely, but I also listen to others rants. I honestly don't care what they entail, we all know not to judge and we help each other.

Then I go through biology and geometry, feeling like nothing, just talking. I talk to people or sit quietly. I work, sometimes I draw, sometimes I do nothing for lack of will. Then I go to government and its the same story there.

All throughout this, my ache grows. And by the end of the day anything could set me off into a fit of tears. I get home, eat food, watch YouTube and try to distract myself. Then I attempt homework, or I write. Sometimes I do both of those. Then after dinner has come and gone I slip to my room and hide away.

At this point in the day I feel like hell has hit me square in the chest and nothing in the world could feel worse, except for the time it first hit. To explain the feeling I will describe it.

Imagine your heart is racing, beating like you've just run a pacer or in general. Now imagine someone squeezing your heart as hard as possible while its trying to beat like that.

That is how I feel every single day.

That is how I felt when I wanted to cut. I wanted that ache to be covered up, or replaced. I just didn't want to feel it. I still don't.

And to explain why I can't just simply move on, think about it like this. Say you have a sibling, or someone you have known your entire life. You care for them, right? And suddenly after they say they care for you too they leave, out of the blue. And suddenly someone who was always there and someone you always trusted and needed was gone. Someone you loved a lot.

Can you see yourself "just moving on" after losing someone like that?

And so, every night, after thinking over this and trying not to break down and usually failing I eventually fall asleep. Only after thinking about someone who will never think of me.

And then I wake up, feeling numb.