My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

10/27/15 • Letter to Myself

Dear myself,

You just can't get yourself together, can you? You dragged that poor boy into your messy excuse for a life and you pretend to love him. You're sick, honestly. You're just giving him a chance to "win you over" but you know that you should have just stayed quiet and never said anything. Now you're a month in and you aren't even sure if you have real feelings for him. You are just a flustered disaster ever since you lost that little piece of you. That damn thief took it, you let them throw your life into chaos. You can't even go a day without that person crossing your mind, and you have the audacity to say you have moved on?

What a joke.

Why can't you just stop? Just end the relationship? You like it, don't you? You are addicted to the feeling of affection from another human—but it isn't enough anymore is it? He just isn't...soft enough yet. Yet, so you want to give him a chance still?

He's learning. He's new, remember when you where an awkward first timer? Lay off, give him a break. He isn't the romantic you are. You're always so harsh, it's like you want him to fail; him and others. Because they aren't the person you want them to be. Jeez, would you move the hell on already? You're really damn weak, you still cry when you remember that day. Yeah, that day. The Day your heart really broke. Actual heartbreak, not the fake shit that girls experience when they break up with their boyfriend that they where with for a few months.

The kind that is equivalent to the feeling you get when you lose a loved one. Your chest hurts to bad you would do anything to make it stop. Tears are second nature, you have to make yourself breathe otherwise your lungs won't do it. Rage is blinding, pain is your world. All you feel is the sensation of your heart ripping, like you're helpless.

Because you are, and now you still can't help but want someone like the person that did that to you. What are you, crazy? Just stay alone, besides no one really likes that guy you're with. He's rough, he says rude things, he offends people, he doesn't understand girls.

Why, why do you give him a chance?

Well, really me, I couldn't tell you. Something about him makes me think I can trust him. He notices more than most people, he may not be the brightest when it comes to women—or me—but he's trying. I guess I'm just hoping I end up okay. So trust me, and breathe. Maybe things will be okay.

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Sorry if this is weird, it's a letter that consists of the two conflicting sides of well, my conscious.

A lot has been going on. I just want to hide in a blanket until it's all past me. So many people don't understand me, or what it going on with me. Scratch that, so many don't even know...