My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

7/7/15 • R a n t i n g

Song: Our Story by Mako.
This is the only thing that could calm me down when I wanted to scream.
• • •
I am just going to let the words go, let them create a cascading wave of release as I try and think clearly about everything in my life. There will be no censor, nothing but raw thoughts and emotions and yes I could very well be in the wrong but this is not about who is right and who is wrong but it is about ME and my need for an affinity with freedom.

I can't help but be angry at myself for getting a new crush. It would never happen anyways but I still let it happen. It was good in a sense, I learned I am ready to potentially love someone else and that thought alone could make me cry a thousand happy tears. So thank you, new and now former crush. I just can't help but wish things could have gone better.

• • • • •

My best friend told me to rant to her last night after I expressed my distress and when I did I forewarned her that she might not like what she would see, I made her promise not to say a thing so I could calmly breathe. I should have also made her promise not to say anything after, just to let the words spill out and then close the book to let it be done. But somehow she ended up comparing my companions to hers and giving them a similar relativity--but here's the thing, I hate when people act like they know just what I think, who holds the most significance to me and who all I love the most.

Someone from the outside could never really read all I am and all I think because yes they are important, these dear friends of mine. But don't put them on par with yours when you don't know who they are to me. Don't make measurements for me, don't mess around with my things like that. I get touchy on the subject or did you just not understand? Not a human soul knows just what I think and one could never know exactly how I think.

Maybe I got it wrong but I don't really care, it doesn't matter w h o you are. I'd appreciate you leaving the measurement to me, don't use it as a point of reference or as a way to make a statement, don't use my friends and their significance to me as a way to back a claim.

I get defensive of any friend easily and I hate to be assumed as readable because anyone can squeal and be excited darling, that doesn't mean it's real. That doesn't mean they are important it just means I'm real excited. Either way you can't judge a book by an eighth of all the chapters, you have to read the whole thing through before making a good judgement. I don't care about the point you wanted to make because you acted like you knew the story when you only have the summary.

• • • • •

My mind is still a mangled mess and as I try and sort it out memories of a past time when I was really happy came flooding back to me. Ever since about sixth grade I've never kept a smile longer than a week at most and it breaks me a little when I realize why. It's all this fucking drama in my life that I just can't seem to shake. People come to me with problems and I have my own. I want to help but at a point I have to start to say no.

It's all about romance and love in my group of friends and now that I'm starting to fix my issues in that category I'm finally beginning to breathe. But now the issues with my friends isn't so much love as it is each other. Acidic words are exchanged almost on the daily and relationships are torn to pieces and our group slowly severs. I try to be the rope between two lost people--a small feeble connection stretched to her limit--but I've been pulled from side to side expected to choose one over another.

I've made a promise to myself to say "deal with your issues between yourselves. I didn't make the mess you did, clean it up but don't force me to chose who to help. I'd sooner drop you both than do your own work for you." I will never be forced to chose between friends again because their issues don't decide what I think of the other, they are still my friend and if someone doesn't like that I can see past another's differences they can learn to deal or they can go the hell away...

• • • • •

I simply live in chaos and that is the pure and simple truth. Though if there is one thing I have learned is that "The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." I can hardly ever tell the whole story behind a feeling because it will upset the person hearing or it won't make sense. There are a select few who have ever dared to try to understand me, though it more often than not fails. If you can't explain why I hide away in my shell, if you can't explain why I get hurt, if you can't see my fears in the same light then please don't try to understand me.

But if you insist on trying I can assure you that once you do understand you might not see me in the same light. Everyone has a sinister side, and understanding me means understanding my darkest thoughts as well. You must not criticize but gently nod in understanding. One does not need to comment on things I already know enough about. My sinister side is made up of my evil thoughts, self conscious and hatred. So if you must say something I hope your words to be something along the lines of "This just means you're human. And I only have more to love."

Please understand, dear people who read this, that I am as bright as the sun but I am also as dark as the pits of hell. We all have our own shadows but I have never shown anyone much of mine. In all truth it's because I'm afraid to let anyone see. But it's okay to keep parts of ourselves kept tucked away. Not everything needs to be on blast and when someone acts like they understand all of you just inwardly laugh and think, "Oh but sweetheart, you have no idea..."

Parts of me shall be known and that's okay, those who understand the most confusing sides of me are rare and precious. But one can't simply waltz in and try to compare my life to another because no life is the same, but all lives are equal. But I guess you could say...they just wouldn't understand.

• • • • •

Pressure is most of what I receive from my "loving" family, and yes it has gotten me far but it has also been detrimental. Any time someone mentions college and jobs and driving I tear up and cry because I've become such a fuck up in my own life that I'd rather not think about it. Though I am beginning to make a turn around and I'm trying my best to keep my head calm...sometimes when they bring it up I want to simply explode. "Shut up about it! It's my life! Just leave me alone, I'm tired of talking about it!"

It's been a long time since I was the perfect poster child my parents and family wanted but they act like that's all they want from me. I know they just want the best out of me but my best isn't satisfactory to them and that's the problem here. What they want and what I want aren't the same and as far as I'm concerned my life is not their game to play. I might have been a fun Barbie doll to play with but now I'm learning how to be my own damn person.

I'm not a straight A student no matter how hard I try, math and I, well you see the tests don't treat me well. My thoughts may be advanced but execution not-so-much and I'm just trying to catch my feet on a treadmill on top speed. I fell on my face a lot and my family hardly held out a hand, they just yelled that I wasn't trying hard enough and I wasn't doing my best. I had fallen down a deep dark hole and already believed that I was worthless, school only made that worse as I struggled to do my work. No one really noticed though, they just pretended it was normal. My withdrawal and drop in grades was but a sign of 'laziness'.

I've picked myself back up no thanks to them, and I've sworn to myself "never again." I won't let myself degrade like that and I'll work myself to the bone but I won't ever tell my family why I really hit rock bottom. They would say that it was my own fault and that I could have tried, that it was just an excuse to shrug everything off. My depression was not my choice and I'd much rather of been happy. The end of school was not the greatest and I wasn't at my best but I still performed and got good scores to make up for my lack of effort.

I'm trying to get my life on track but all they do is stress me out. I don't need the constant reminder of jobs and school and driving when I do that to myself. I need some support and help and guidance but they seemed to forget that's what they're here for.

• • • • •

Sorry that this ran on, I just really needed to let that all out!