My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

3/5/15 • Trust and Flashbacks

In this nasty world I find every passing day to be a test. And a growing of bonds. In this world it is hard to know who you can really trust.

And for me, out of the many friends I have and have had, I only fully trust four dear people. They know who they are, because they can feel it. They know because I've told them and because of how open I am to them.

These four people are the only four I'd ever trust with all of my being.

In all my life I've floated between friends, and not willingly.

I've lost over 40 friends. 30 of them because of backstabbing. Abandonment. Disconnection. Status.

I used to be a popular person, yet everyone called me smart. I held so much social power and I never knew it. I was that girl that friended everyone and only made enemies with people who messed with others. No one picked on me. Only two people ever challenged me - and they lost miserably.

But during this time in my life I'd have a new best friend every school year. Close friends became father apart in the next year and most eventually cut me off entirely. People I used to pour my heart out to wouldn't even smile back at me anymore. Or acknowledge my existence.

They saw me slipping down the food chain. I felt it too, but at first I didn't mind. My friends still talked to me and I was getting closer to stranger people who I didn't have to be so fake around. I didn't have to tolerate physical abuse. Yes, I had friends who would slap me and pull my hair. I would keep my mouth shut because I didn't want to speak out, I was afraid to lose them.

Fifth grade.

At the beginning of the year I sat between friends. They wanted me between them. I used to have the strangest laugh, many laughs. They would make laugh to do my strange laughs and they would all burst out laughing too.

Halfway through the year I was beginning to be pushed outside the group. I had to do my laughs to get any attention, and I was usually ignored. My comments unheard and rarely acknowledged. Then my weirder friends decided to talk to me more.

By the end of the year my other group of friends hardly talked to me at lunch. I was an old toy they would occasionally turn to and ask for entertainment - which I gave. I was a freak to them.

Sixth Grade.

I wasn't the most stylish girl. At all. Fabric shorts and plain t-shirts and a jacket. Always a jacket. I didn't have a bra and only a tank top beneath my shirt for a few months of the year. My hair was always in a pony tail or down. I was hardly acknowledged by anyone outside the small group of people I called friends.

I paid dearly for trusting some of them.

»Skip to now»

Over the years of my life, I have been hurt without realizing the damage. I have so many stories no one knows except myself and maybe those who where there. I have scars from things I didn't even know would hurt. Things I've never told anyone simply because the wound stays closed if I don't talk.

But to those four people, I'd say anything. I know, deep down in my twisted, broken and mangled heart that they wouldn't hurt me for the world.

And even though I've been backstabbed many, many times... I know they will only call me strong for living with them. And call me beautiful and crazy and imperfect and their friend.

I love you guys, I always will.