My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

5/3/15 • Talk Too Much

I talk too much.

I get comments all the time from people (in real life not virtually...) saying "wow she talks a lot."

"Once you get her going she just won't stop!"

"You only care about your feelings."

"You always cut me down when I try to talk."

"You always make things about you!"

The list goes on. From countless conversations be it with adults or those my age. I ramble, often. Too often. All the time, actually. After years of sitting alone and not talking to people about myself, always listening and soaking things in, I'm told I only ever talk about myself.

Maybe I do. I sat and listened so much that people don't like it when I do talk about myself. People say I'm nice because I shut up and let them do the talking. So many times I begin talking about something and then give up halfway through because its interrupted. If it's not me crying my eyes out or having a situation... I'm not listened to.

One thing I've come to learn about people: the easiest way to get them to like you is to shut your mouth and let them do most of the talking. And I did just that as a kid. People liked me because I didn't talk, I listened to them, nodded my head and agreed with them. I didn't talk much. I didn't joke around much.

When I tried speaking my mind I was snapped at. "Shut up!" My best friend at the time was the first friend of mine to ever cuss at me. It hit me hard, sixth grade was that kind of year. People saw me as the quiet, rule following goody two shoes who anyone could talk to because I was easily approachable and I wouldn't get mad if I was beat on or rambled at.

I take abuse quietly. I listen to words intently. I didn't speak my mind much. Sometimes I wish I hadn't changed to speak out. So many problems have come if it. Even this book is a product of that need to speak out. I guess after years of not speaking, I don't know how to stop.

But I think I've found the switch. And I've turned it off.

I'm done talking about myself.

From now on, it's not about me. It's about everyone else. Just like it was. Back when I hated being yelled at and when people hit me and pulled my hair and pushed me around I just pretended it didn't hurt. Just like when I wouldn't talk back when people said things I didn't like. Just like when I let other people do the talking for me.

If people really think I care only about myself, well I'll change. I don't want to be seen that way. Talking about myself and my feelings isn't wanted. So it will stop. I'll see how much people miss my talking.

I'll bet you not one person will say a thing about my voices' absence.