My Silent Melodies ➵ [ my life 2015-16 ]

12/12/15 • A Few Rambles <3

Philosophy has hit me pretty hard lately. A few people have managed to make me feel sour, and I feel like receding into my shell because I just want to hide away for a little while. 

You know something is wrong when you are in a healthy relationship and you feel suffocated because you don't know how to react to being treated right. I don't know how to properly go about anything with Thomas, and I feel so bad because I have only told one adult in my family of my relationship yet he has told his family about me. I just, I have trouble telling them if I am not absolutely serious about someone. I say I love him, but do I? Or do I just like him? What is love, and should it burn with the same intensity it held for Colby?

What if I don't love Thomas? I don't want to break this guy! I can't do that, it's cruel when all he has ever done was treat me well. I can't show him affection in public. I just... I'm not used to it. I don't know what it is about it that makes me squirm away, maybe it's the way he doesn't actually hug me, its some weird half arm hug. Do you know what I am talking about? The kind you give someone at an awkward distance because you where told you had to hug them.

It sucks. I won't lie, I miss having someone I was physically comfortable around. I could sit in a room with them and say nothing and be perfectly happy with their presence. His presence, yeah. No, this doesn't mean I want him back. I love him, but I can't be stupid like that. Going back is like grabbing his hand which holds the metaphorical knife he already stabbed me with and aiming it right back at my wound, asking him to stab it again. 

No, it means that I will never be satisfied until I have something like that again. And that took years to achieve. Though really it was just blind trust with him. I trusted him and was therefore comfortable with him. Guys, it hurts to say it but I loved him for a reason. Despite the stupid shit he did, he still did really good things too, like comforting me when I felt really bad, and coming over whenever he could, giving me space when I didn't realize I needed it.. Bringing me along to the soccer game, getting me a surprise christmas gift because he knew what I had wanted without asking. Letting me be stupid and listening to me play my flute. Holding my hand for the first and last time as I fell asleep on the way home from a late game. Taking me to see Catching Fire with his friends and Chase. Taking me and Chase out to see the latest Transformers. He showed me a song that reminded him of me, and he wasn't afraid to kiss me. He dealt with my shyness and he made me believe that for a short time, fairy tales do in fact come true. 

But I just won't get that back. 

People say Thomas and I are great together and that they saw it coming, our relationship. To make things even better they keep tell me how much this guy likes me. But I find myself constantly questioning myself, because I am not worth the kind of good he is. Not with how shaky I am with my feelings. It has been almost four months now. I really am probably over thinking a lot, but I have to take into consideration what my feelings and thoughts are telling me. Self-doubt doesn't mean I have necessarily made the wrong choice. But it may mean I made the right choice at the wrong time. But if he is really the right guy, would he be angry at me for doing this?

I need some help guys, any wisdom? 

I don't want to keep receding into my shell like this, I just want to feel like I can breathe again. I don't have to love anyone, but aren't the teenage years made for stupid choices and mistakes and love that usually doesn't last? That seems to be what the rest of the world wants me to think. I just needed to get that off my chest. Maybe I will feel light enough to get some work done now...

Thanks for sticking with me guys, and for caring enough to read about the mess of a life I lead. 

Hopefully my next few updates will close the year off well.